Thursday, August 03, 2006

Elbow Elbow Wrist Wrist Touch The Pearls And Blow A Kiss

Ok.... so last night I inadvertently flipped on CMT. Don't judge me. However, instead of Keith Urban or Tim Mcgraw in jeans tighter than lycra on a fat woman they have apparently taken coverage of the Ms. America pageant. I find these pageants much like a circus side show, kinda disgusting but really fun to watch.

PS Ms. District of Columbia totally tap-danced as her was a white girl with blonde hair tapdancing...... First of all you aren't Shirley Temple, secondly....yikes. If I was a contestant representing our fair district I would have made my talent something practical and relevant to DC, like finding parking in Dupont, or dodging gunfire.

That being said I got to thinking....what if there was a gay beauty pageant. I'm not talking about the shenanigans that goes on during Pride when we 'elect' a Mr. DC pride. I'm talking full on ANTM type sh*t

Eveningwear: Now I would elect to do a bit of a spin on this one. I'd give the lads an AMEX with a 500 limit and send them out to do some shopping (with an hour time frame), to go out for a night on the town. When they returned myself (duh) and a panel of judges would rate on style and content. Minus points for shorts, Minus points for anything with huge a$$ logo's on it, Minus points for sleevless T-s, minus points for man-pris..... and so on and so forth in that manner.

Swimwear: Same as the first round except for only 100 bucks. Squarecuts are immediately disqualified as well as any material that could be considered "sparkly." Points will be given on how well you chose your swimsuit for your body type. If you have a boxy body and get a are done'zo. If you're tall and slim and get huge board shorts.... pack your bags sistah. Also color of said swimwear matching with skin tone and hair is v. important as well.

Talent: Don't sing showtunes. I don't want to see your interpretation of Swan Lake. I want new, I want fresh. Like for instance, I would accept as a talent the ability to do 3, 3 wise men shots and then be able to name all the fifty states in alphabetic order. Or be able to get from georgetown to 17th st. and find parking in under 20 minutes. You know....something that requires talent.

Interview: Finally.... the interview. The contestants would have to stand before me (in my tiara which btw is obvy better than the one they get) and answer questions such as.......

You are hosting a party whose theme is Dog Days of Summer, what cocktails do you serve and why?


You find out your friends current squeeze at one time moonlighted as an adult film star named backdoor billy...... how do you break the news?

So let the games begin ladies.... ps this is what I call the gay games......


Scott said...

As opposed to those gay games that just occured in Chicago where the one queen one the curling gold metal (cause she was the only one that participates in curling) this is a real competition. I fully lend my support to this version of the Gay Games.

Now who do I have to bribe to be a judge too...I have access to lots of Grey Goose, Tanqueray, Cranberry Juice and Tonic...

Dale said...

hmmmmm tanq and tonic you say??? ok you're in..... damn I'm a pushover.

Polt said...

"You find out your friends current squeeze at one time moonlighted as an adult film star named backdoor billy...... how do you break the news?"

Break the news? A better question would be, how do you arrange a meeting with backdoor billy and NOT have your friend find out!

Why yes, yes I am a slut. Thanks for asking.

JP said...

For my talent I will:
go out for seven nights straight while still maintaining decorum, never wearing the same tastefully executed outfit twice, never forgetting a name, outdrinking the Irish, the French, and the Australians, and never missing a nine o'clock meeting the next morning.

QueenofPreen said...

You are very witty and hilarious. Glad to have discovered your blog.