Thursday, August 17, 2006

Tout le monde.... ecouter moi!!

Now Class... I realize that with summer's end in sight we are once again going to revive Dale's Finishing School for Gayward Boys..... Now as many of you have had summer accessorys (men) over the summer I believe we once again need to review tips on how to not date someone that isn't complimentary to you.

1). Height comparability: If he comes up to your nipple or you to his.... please for the love of the baby jesus save me the pain of having to make the david and goliath jokes to your face. If you are of the amazonian set much like am at my regal height of 6'3" I realize that this may be difficult in the liliputian city of DC, but honestly it's better than feeling like your holding hands with your niece/nephew walking down the runway.

2). The wearing of matching clothes: If your gentleman caller (GC) feels the need to go matchy matchy on your trips to the store, bar, brunch etc. I will label you as a tourist and banish you to the dirty dirty vag. Were all snowflakes people..... effing snowflakes.

3). Don't date someone with the same name as you: Don't be that guy.... just don't. *PS in college I totally dated a midget with the same name as me..... on a scale of one to bad choice, yeah. that was a bad choice.*

4). If your GC puts his hand in your back pocket when walking down the street he's done-zo: I'm sorry, holding hands... fine. one arm around anothers waist.... sure I can handle that.... the back pocket thing makes me think of bangs and fringe with acid washed tapered jeans... and do you really want to do that to people? The same is true for the fingers through the belt-loops... don't make me hurt you for that one.

5). If he lives in an outlying suburb of DC without a car: I'm sorry, even if you are automotively-capable much like I am, he should not expect you to commute from the gloriousness of the city to places like....Ballston or Clarendon.

5b). There are many reasons not to go to the Vag and Metro Weekly has done a bangup job of documenting said sadness: besides the one gentleman on the last page WHO I would bet dollars to doughnuts lives in DC or MD, there is not one person with whom I would be seen in public..... I mean I could just be being mean but was there an outreach program for the ugly and unfortunate that night???

So the take away lesson boys and more boys is: it is much better to be single and fabulous than attached to someone who will make other people want to commit acts of violence and aggression on you for disturbing the delicate gay balance of my demeanor.


Kathryn Is So Over said...

You're so dang clever and funny I can't even care that you busted so hard on VA.

Nice work, your highness.

Scott said...

I once made the trip to that establishment in the Dirty Vag and the experience is completely summed up as such...white lacquer grand piano. It was if the gay senior citizens home had morphed from South Beach to South Arlington. I still have nightmares.

Dale said...

Kathryn: Thanks darlin!! oh and sweet picture... I love that little angel or am really scared of her, I don't know which.

Scott: yeah it's like the Annies of the dirty Vag... ick ick.

wmy said...

ok....I know I have some major bitch slappin coming, but what in the world is dirty vag?????

erica said...

Just found your pages, not even sure why or how at this point, while surfing this evening...thanks for the laughs. My particular fav: "Were all snowflakes people..... effing snowflakes" and your thoughts on the gym posterboy/girl patrol. Pathetic, but I haven't laughed as hard all week... which is not to say that any of your rants are not true.
p.s.--I had NO IDEA about craigslist's 'missed connections'

merci et bonne nuit