Drunken night last night.... definitely hungover..... no regrets. I needed last night like Condi needs a hot comb. Thanks to Chip, The Boy, Taylor, Chuck, Retro, and gaggle o' heterosexual friends for stoking the fires of my drunken merriment which is my favorite type of merriment to be honest.
Now I've noticed several disease among the gays (which have nothing to do with that trick you went home with last week) while I was at JR's before everyone got there.... what? me first to a meetup? NEVER!.....
1). Ray Charles Syndrome: Just like Ray Charles' sequin coat was indicative of his inability to see so was several mo's choice of clothing. Mesh shirts? no maa'm. Jeans made of patches of other jeans? No Maa'm. Showing up to a bar with a winter coat and scarf when it's bordering 60 degrees outside? Don't make me mess up my manicure when I b*tch slap you. As Sophia said, "That's ugly Dorothy.... and so are you in anything backless"
2). 5-7-9 disease: You're a 5 you think you're a 7 and you think you deserve a 9. Watching this occur is like watching a train wreck, horrible but you can't look away. To the balding-middle aged- overweight- wearing an IZOD polo who is hitting on a 20 something, gym going, Hollister wearing DC mo, honestly that situation will not turn out well for you unless you break out cash Just sayin.
3). From Here to Eternity disease: When you are making out with your bf/hookup buddy/ stranger at the bar, you don't look like Montgomery Clift and Donna Reed on the sunny beaches of Hawaii. Honestly, to the rest of us, it looks like you're trying to clean whomevers tonsils with your tongue....ew. I'm over it.
4). Chronic Fabulosity Imperfecta: Just like grace with Jackie O, being fabulous cannot be forced, it must exude from your being naturally, much like sweat on a fat man. You can wear all the body glitter and hair gel you want and talk about how everything is SOOO brokeback and what you're wearing and how fabulous you are blah blah blah, that doesn't make you fabulous. Sorry lady, that makes you a cookie cutter queer. Thankfully the mo' blogerati does not suffer from this syndrome as our fabulousness has obviously been nurtured and tended like the proud magnolia on the banks of the mighty mississippi.
Time to throw it into high gear for the weekend.... yet another high profile homo-tacular time!
8 comments:
where was chuck? he wasn't at juniors since i showed up sober for a change and was fairly lucid the whole time. or was he?
oh he was there before everybody got there, I got the chance to converse with him and his lovely gentleman for a bit.
Everyone should have to sign a waiver when walking into JR's acknowledging they've read these rules and therefore invite abuse if they don't follow them. Particularly #4: The man jewelry alone made me think of Jersey, and not in a good way.
(Good to see you all!)
This is perhaps the funniest thing I've read all wee. Thanks for making the entry to a three day weekend even better!
You have a real penchant for putting together these little sage posts of wisdom. I can't wait till you finally open up your etiquette school for wayward boys and have these used as the textbook.
scott: aren't you a darlin!
JP: the world will be a more beautiful place once my school opens, currently we have our headmistress (me) and faculty of "oh no you didn't" which includes Chip and the boy from the urban family and our "No maa'm" team which is Mrs. Jesus and Big gay kevin from Team lady and our instructors of mixology and bar etiquette which are Sean from the seanshow and Mr. Bartender. I will have to pick your brain on gym etiquette at some point to complete the roster
I wish I had been part of your hetero entourage. :(
Can I come play sometime? I promise not to wear body glitter, carry a big purse, and to only gaze longingly at the hot boys who want you my love.
*that would be to NOT carry a big purse
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