Ok so I'm a sucker for D-list celebrities having run across a few in my time... however I'm also equipped with the social graces of a retarded orangutan on lsd so combine the two and you have a healthy combination.... healthy= embarassing.
A couple months ago I met Mr. Christian Campbell of Trick and Neve Campbell fame, and not only did I have a hands fluttering, ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod moment, I had a straight guy who was with me (whom I call thor thunder god for reasons that I won't get into right now but at one point last summer I was sitting on his lap after giving him a lap dance and broke the chair he was sitting on in the process... don't judge me) take a picture of the two of us with my camera phone and then sent said picture which was horrible quality and dark to all my friends. PS CC is totally cute.
Last night after a rousing victory on the kickball field which I can only say should be solely attributed to my cheerleading skills (my actual kickball skills consisted of me fouling out and calling the other team ugly) we were at ye olde watering hole in my neighborhood where apparently another D-list celebrity from the food network was going to be hanging out. Chip was superficially acquainted with this gentleman from when he was a wee lad and went up and was talking to him.... ps that guy totally wanted to have a zillion of Chips babies.... so obviously, not to miss a chance to meet a D-lister... pps my ranking of food network celebs goes Paula, Michael, Giada, and Naked Chef... I hate Rachel Ray with the burning fire of a thousand suns. I went up and was "talking" to him. Talking = staring at the fact that this guy was wicked hot and offering him ciggarettes... which he took.... which means he is in love with me, obviously.
Some people aspire to be great world leaders... I aspire to marry a d-list celebrity and have a table perpetually reserved at the Olive Garden... whatever, I'm being realistic.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Potty Talk
Ok... maybe I just got off the short bus or maybe I operate under some arcane rules of conduct or whatever but I always thought that there were infallible rules for bathroom protocol. Apparently I was mistaken. I would like to announce my campaign to put a sign in each and every bathroom that is facilitated by men, so in the case of cobalt, sadlands, and nation the girls room too.
Anyways, rules include:
1). If there are three bathroom stalls open, do not choose the middle one. Nobody wants to sit next to you while you drop the kids off at the pool. I need a buffer zone of at least one stall, kthx.
2). Do not make noises of relief or of frustruation, I don't need a running commentary on your experience de bano.
3). DO NOT try and converse with me at the urinal or in the stall, that is a time when I need to be all zen with myself... a time for quiet reflection if you will. Speaking while washing hands is perfectly acceptable but ONLY at the sink.
4). If you are klassy enough to hook up in a bathroom, do not choose the middle stall, again refer to number one but honestly.... go somewhere else.
5). If you have eaten mexican, indian, or any food that would make your experience in the bathroom extremely unpleasant for anyone else using it, please go to a bathroom on a floor where you don't know anyone, I have given more than one dirty look to a gentleman in the hallways when I knew he was responsible for making me want to vomit from walking into the bathroom.
6). Always wash your hands, I don't care if you were "just peeing" or whatever. Your hands were on your naughty area and need to be cleaned. deal with it.
I think these signs would help everyone.... or at least make my life a little more pleasant.
Anyways, rules include:
1). If there are three bathroom stalls open, do not choose the middle one. Nobody wants to sit next to you while you drop the kids off at the pool. I need a buffer zone of at least one stall, kthx.
2). Do not make noises of relief or of frustruation, I don't need a running commentary on your experience de bano.
3). DO NOT try and converse with me at the urinal or in the stall, that is a time when I need to be all zen with myself... a time for quiet reflection if you will. Speaking while washing hands is perfectly acceptable but ONLY at the sink.
4). If you are klassy enough to hook up in a bathroom, do not choose the middle stall, again refer to number one but honestly.... go somewhere else.
5). If you have eaten mexican, indian, or any food that would make your experience in the bathroom extremely unpleasant for anyone else using it, please go to a bathroom on a floor where you don't know anyone, I have given more than one dirty look to a gentleman in the hallways when I knew he was responsible for making me want to vomit from walking into the bathroom.
6). Always wash your hands, I don't care if you were "just peeing" or whatever. Your hands were on your naughty area and need to be cleaned. deal with it.
I think these signs would help everyone.... or at least make my life a little more pleasant.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Clear like a diamond encrusted B*tch slap
I lack a certain personality trait.
I lack the ability to pretend to like someone when all I want to do is to destroy them and make them cry tears of pain and suffering. Be that someone a peer, a superior, in my social, or my professional life.... I lack the ability to put on a sh*t eating grin, smile and say, "oh of course (insert dumba$$ name here) that's a great idea!! I value and appreciate your opinion/input on (insert issue that I either disagree strongly with you on or couldn't care less about).
While I was living in London I had four roomates, in a two bedroom apartment. Needless to say things got cozy from time to time. Anyways three of these were girls, girls whose lives revolved around shopping, bars, and boys, on paper we should have been best friends but time and time again I realized that there are inherent differences between girls and boys that extend beyond different genitalia, and I had MUCH more in common with my rugby playing, no shower taking, laundry every other week doing roomate (we shared one of the bedrooms, I call him boo boo, sometimes we spooned, it was great)
Anyways one evening the straw finally broke the effing camels back. The three harpies were in the kitchen trash talking rando's in the same program we were doing, which I didn't really care about b.cuz a lot of what they were saying was right. However, then they got on this one girl for not knowing what Louis Vuitton was or something along those lines. Normally this isn't something I care too much about but this girl is honestly the nicest person in life, I once told her jokingly I could hear her blow dryer in the morning and I didn't have to set my alarm anymore...... she stopped using the blowdryer in the morning for 6 months. After telling them that even though Nice Girl didn't know about the joys of Louis V it wasn't like any of their broke selves could afford it so really what was the diff? They didn't like that.
They had to be destroyed.
So.... in true Dale fashion I do what I always do... psychological destruction, the effects are much more observable and longer lasting than physical harm.... hmmmm let's see, what do spoiled college girls have the biggest issues about..... grades? no..... clothes? maybe..... body image issues?? DING DING DING DING!!
That heralded the start of my, sitting in the living room always shirtless eating nutella straight out of the jar and chasing it with a Guiness exclaiming how fat I felt and I hope the Pilates for Ballet dancers class I was taking would be suitable to get rid of all the nastiness I was putting into my body. For those of you that have had the good fortune to see me you know that I make Kate Moss look like Sally Struthers, my nickname on the swim team in college was "the turtle" because everyone said I looked like a turtle sans shell.
*Did it work?* let me just say that after about two weeks of that the only thing left in their fridge was grapes and bottled water
we had a boys fridge that was always full of (insert boy food in the form of beer, random condiments, and leftover pasta+sauce+chicken, and brocolli)
If someone can help me suffer fools gladly I'm sure people would like me better.... but then again... I'm over it.
I lack the ability to pretend to like someone when all I want to do is to destroy them and make them cry tears of pain and suffering. Be that someone a peer, a superior, in my social, or my professional life.... I lack the ability to put on a sh*t eating grin, smile and say, "oh of course (insert dumba$$ name here) that's a great idea!! I value and appreciate your opinion/input on (insert issue that I either disagree strongly with you on or couldn't care less about).
While I was living in London I had four roomates, in a two bedroom apartment. Needless to say things got cozy from time to time. Anyways three of these were girls, girls whose lives revolved around shopping, bars, and boys, on paper we should have been best friends but time and time again I realized that there are inherent differences between girls and boys that extend beyond different genitalia, and I had MUCH more in common with my rugby playing, no shower taking, laundry every other week doing roomate (we shared one of the bedrooms, I call him boo boo, sometimes we spooned, it was great)
Anyways one evening the straw finally broke the effing camels back. The three harpies were in the kitchen trash talking rando's in the same program we were doing, which I didn't really care about b.cuz a lot of what they were saying was right. However, then they got on this one girl for not knowing what Louis Vuitton was or something along those lines. Normally this isn't something I care too much about but this girl is honestly the nicest person in life, I once told her jokingly I could hear her blow dryer in the morning and I didn't have to set my alarm anymore...... she stopped using the blowdryer in the morning for 6 months. After telling them that even though Nice Girl didn't know about the joys of Louis V it wasn't like any of their broke selves could afford it so really what was the diff? They didn't like that.
They had to be destroyed.
So.... in true Dale fashion I do what I always do... psychological destruction, the effects are much more observable and longer lasting than physical harm.... hmmmm let's see, what do spoiled college girls have the biggest issues about..... grades? no..... clothes? maybe..... body image issues?? DING DING DING DING!!
That heralded the start of my, sitting in the living room always shirtless eating nutella straight out of the jar and chasing it with a Guiness exclaiming how fat I felt and I hope the Pilates for Ballet dancers class I was taking would be suitable to get rid of all the nastiness I was putting into my body. For those of you that have had the good fortune to see me you know that I make Kate Moss look like Sally Struthers, my nickname on the swim team in college was "the turtle" because everyone said I looked like a turtle sans shell.
*Did it work?* let me just say that after about two weeks of that the only thing left in their fridge was grapes and bottled water
we had a boys fridge that was always full of (insert boy food in the form of beer, random condiments, and leftover pasta+sauce+chicken, and brocolli)
If someone can help me suffer fools gladly I'm sure people would like me better.... but then again... I'm over it.
Monday, May 01, 2006
See what had happened was......
Still reeling from a week that would make Satan want to slit his wrists and being basically bent over and dominated by the corporate machine that is bureaucratic bs I was looking forward to re-centering and going all zen this weekend. Hey remember the time when that happened? yeah me either.
So Friday night after a lovely dinner at the best Chinese place in DC (City lights duh). I had thoughts of moseying on to a little bit of a drinky poo at JR's. Fast forward three hours later and I'm standing in front of the McDonalds on 18th St. with a tie in my hand that's not mine and a very confused look on my face. Not only am I klassy with a k but I was effing hungry.... supersize quarter pounder meal? yes sir.
Saturday I got up and made a very innocent "what are you guys doing for brunch?" call to two of my friends whom also live less than a five minute walk away. Turns out that one of their bf's was having friends in town for a weekend of meathead debauchery, I love meatheads so obviously I joined them forthwith and call in sick to SRL. Fast forward two hours later and I'm at Camelot having deep and meaningful conversations with all the strippers and becoming the new favorite of the waitress who was wearing very unfortunate lingerie and was old enough to be my mother.
The rest of the evening (6-8:30) was spent drinking with friends on my rooftop deck when I announced that I was tired and would be retiring and passed out in my bed (still the only furniture in my apt. cuz I'm lazy). I woke up from my 'hibernation' twice, once to respond to this lady that I couldn't meet him out for drinks, and once to amble on over to amsterdam falafel for some chickpea goodness....mmmm.
Sunday I actually did make it into SRL and did what I always do, try on clothes and stand around, pretending to actually be a productive person. Saw a black Am-Ex, pretended to not be impressed. Saw more ice than antarctica, pretended not to be impressed.
Went home, had dinner with this lady at Amsterdam falafel (ps I'm totally putting somebody's kid through college at that place) and called it an early night...... ahh weekends.
So Friday night after a lovely dinner at the best Chinese place in DC (City lights duh). I had thoughts of moseying on to a little bit of a drinky poo at JR's. Fast forward three hours later and I'm standing in front of the McDonalds on 18th St. with a tie in my hand that's not mine and a very confused look on my face. Not only am I klassy with a k but I was effing hungry.... supersize quarter pounder meal? yes sir.
Saturday I got up and made a very innocent "what are you guys doing for brunch?" call to two of my friends whom also live less than a five minute walk away. Turns out that one of their bf's was having friends in town for a weekend of meathead debauchery, I love meatheads so obviously I joined them forthwith and call in sick to SRL. Fast forward two hours later and I'm at Camelot having deep and meaningful conversations with all the strippers and becoming the new favorite of the waitress who was wearing very unfortunate lingerie and was old enough to be my mother.
The rest of the evening (6-8:30) was spent drinking with friends on my rooftop deck when I announced that I was tired and would be retiring and passed out in my bed (still the only furniture in my apt. cuz I'm lazy). I woke up from my 'hibernation' twice, once to respond to this lady that I couldn't meet him out for drinks, and once to amble on over to amsterdam falafel for some chickpea goodness....mmmm.
Sunday I actually did make it into SRL and did what I always do, try on clothes and stand around, pretending to actually be a productive person. Saw a black Am-Ex, pretended to not be impressed. Saw more ice than antarctica, pretended not to be impressed.
Went home, had dinner with this lady at Amsterdam falafel (ps I'm totally putting somebody's kid through college at that place) and called it an early night...... ahh weekends.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Friday..... make it all just stoooooop
Sh*ttiest week ever in life.... Don't want to get into it as I've already chewed on this problem till all the flavor has gone out of it. Suffice it to say there will be a professional shift within the next couple of months, hopefully I'll be able to change jobs before I kill someone... or at least move to a country that won't extradite me back to the U.S... (ps I hear Tel Aviv is very nice this time of year).
Anyways on this glorious Friday of Fridays I would like to do a little Fiver on things that make me happy in the area where my heart should be but apparently is an empty hole that is filled periodically by martini's and Jumbo Slice.
1). The color that I chose for my Jumanji (new place) is called Aegean blue and I painted my first wall yesterday.... and then got bored and took a nap. Bright blue makes me happy.
2). In the battle of Dale v. DC I totally pulled a Tony Danza on the DMV yesterday. Who was in and out faster than Ryan Seacrest on Gay.com? yes people that's right. Dale. Who also chatted up the strong black woman behind the counter whose nails were so long she could only use one finger to do all the typing ( I honestly think she had the entire last supper painting on her thumb)? right again.
3). Apparently on the floor that my apartment is on there are at least 3 hot guys that I will now have secret crushes on till they profess their undying love for me and try to ply me with gifts of flowers and booze.
4). Having friends that live within walking distance of my new place, momma needed to vent last night and vented I did to one of my great friends while she did laundry. There is definitely something to be said for A) the therapeutic properties of laundry and B) having someone sit there and listen to you while you need to unload. PS embarassing fact about Dale number 123777676: The fresh laundry smell on a gentleman caller is my favorite smell ever and totally melts my butter.
5). The conversation I had with the gentleman at the liquor store that is maybe 2 blocks from my apt.
Man at Liquor Store (MLS): Why don't you take one of our cards, we can deliver to your house!
Dale: Ummm well I only live two blocks away so honestly if I need delivery for liquor I'm gonna go ahead and say there are bigger problems at hand.
MLS: Aren't you ever relaxing on the couch and say "I'd really like a gin and tonic, but I don't feel like getting up or changing from your sweats?"
Dale: Yes, actually I do. hmmmm let me hold onto that card actually.
*The card is now on a magnet on my fridge*
Anyways on this glorious Friday of Fridays I would like to do a little Fiver on things that make me happy in the area where my heart should be but apparently is an empty hole that is filled periodically by martini's and Jumbo Slice.
1). The color that I chose for my Jumanji (new place) is called Aegean blue and I painted my first wall yesterday.... and then got bored and took a nap. Bright blue makes me happy.
2). In the battle of Dale v. DC I totally pulled a Tony Danza on the DMV yesterday. Who was in and out faster than Ryan Seacrest on Gay.com? yes people that's right. Dale. Who also chatted up the strong black woman behind the counter whose nails were so long she could only use one finger to do all the typing ( I honestly think she had the entire last supper painting on her thumb)? right again.
3). Apparently on the floor that my apartment is on there are at least 3 hot guys that I will now have secret crushes on till they profess their undying love for me and try to ply me with gifts of flowers and booze.
4). Having friends that live within walking distance of my new place, momma needed to vent last night and vented I did to one of my great friends while she did laundry. There is definitely something to be said for A) the therapeutic properties of laundry and B) having someone sit there and listen to you while you need to unload. PS embarassing fact about Dale number 123777676: The fresh laundry smell on a gentleman caller is my favorite smell ever and totally melts my butter.
5). The conversation I had with the gentleman at the liquor store that is maybe 2 blocks from my apt.
Man at Liquor Store (MLS): Why don't you take one of our cards, we can deliver to your house!
Dale: Ummm well I only live two blocks away so honestly if I need delivery for liquor I'm gonna go ahead and say there are bigger problems at hand.
MLS: Aren't you ever relaxing on the couch and say "I'd really like a gin and tonic, but I don't feel like getting up or changing from your sweats?"
Dale: Yes, actually I do. hmmmm let me hold onto that card actually.
*The card is now on a magnet on my fridge*
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Update
Weekend was good.... I laughed, I cried, I dispensed fashion advice and retail goodness all weekend long in the form of free gifts as SRL just opened. Highlight of the weekend, walking from the metro to Jumanji in the pouring rain wearing a polo and jeans (no coat or umbrella) with a bottle of vodka for my freezer and a bottle of wine for my friends whom I was going over to.... I bit it on 18th St. hardcore, bags go flying, I manage to save the bottle of wine and the shopping bag full of clothes for me from SRL but the vodka was sacrificed.... sad times.
In the competition of DC versus Dale, DC is now up to two, Dale is at zero as not only did I bite it hardcore on saturday but yesterday whilst getting my car inspected for the ultimate sign of DC citizenship, license/plates, I was informed that I needed my brakes changed.... thankfully we have car people in the family, so hopefully I'll be DC through and through by the weekend. We will see how badly the DC DMV effs me over, or more importantly, how bad my drivers license pics turn out to be.... *little known fact* (In all official ID pictures I never smile cuz I think I look goofy, so I end up looking like Osama bin Dale.... who got questioned for half an hour in Brussels?? oh yeah that'd be me).
I'm officially that guy, as I was in home depot and I picked out paint for my new place.... and I picked it on the basis that it was from the Ralph Lauren Polo collection... if anyone ever hears me use antique as a verb I implore you to beat me about the head and face with a bejewelled handbag.
In the competition of DC versus Dale, DC is now up to two, Dale is at zero as not only did I bite it hardcore on saturday but yesterday whilst getting my car inspected for the ultimate sign of DC citizenship, license/plates, I was informed that I needed my brakes changed.... thankfully we have car people in the family, so hopefully I'll be DC through and through by the weekend. We will see how badly the DC DMV effs me over, or more importantly, how bad my drivers license pics turn out to be.... *little known fact* (In all official ID pictures I never smile cuz I think I look goofy, so I end up looking like Osama bin Dale.... who got questioned for half an hour in Brussels?? oh yeah that'd be me).
I'm officially that guy, as I was in home depot and I picked out paint for my new place.... and I picked it on the basis that it was from the Ralph Lauren Polo collection... if anyone ever hears me use antique as a verb I implore you to beat me about the head and face with a bejewelled handbag.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Friday..... let the weekend begin!
Anyways.....
1). I've been taken out to dinner twice in the past week, and to like actual restaurants, as a result of my post at Snotty Retail Location (SRL). If this trend continues my fridge will contain nothing but mixers, olives, and limes...... oh wait.....
2). Today marks the 80th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II. I've always been a big fan of HRH, she totally called foul on Fergie, and trying to throne-block Camilla was the best play I've seen in ages. Plus that lady can rock a Sunday hat on Saturday like I don't know what. Plus according to valuable sources, her mother only employed homosexual butlers, and was quoted as saying
She also employed a personal staff with many gay persons and once said, after her gin and tonic was continuously delayed by backstairs bickering, "When one of you young queens has finished, can you bring this old Queen a drink?" According to an article in The Observer (10 November 2002), after being advised by a Tory Minister in the 1970s not to employ homosexuals, the Queen Mother observed that without them, "we'd have to go self-service."
anyone who doesn't respect that kind of upbringing should be smacked with a royal diamond encrusted hand. We would not be amused.
3). One of my co-workers at SRL is currently the topic of speculation because all the other mo's are wondering if he's gay or straight. My gaydar is seven flavors of messed up so I don't even try, however I will say that after work he invited me to get a drink with him at the restaurant next door, being the consumate gentleman I am I agreed, plus he's wicked fun. Anyways, apparently the restaurant next door is like his hangout which I'm over because ew, but we got drinks and obviously I got a dirty bombay martini up. What did Hetero Harry get?????? a pomegrante martini.... it was all I could do to say "Ummm lady, anything you wanna tell me?... like maybe you want a hot dog reallll bad?"
4). Around 10:30 last night when I was folding polos, setting up displays, and generally being the gayest gay gay ever in gay life, myself the manager, a couple of my co-workers, which consist of gays and those who admire them, decided to turn our store into a club. So off went the lights, on went beyonce and we turned it out... the store also has this ambient lighting kind of like Halo but better... and at one point I stopped, looked at the wall to wall clothing and I thought to myself "if you added alcohol, this, right now, would be gay heaven."
5). I woke up again this morning to the monkeys, you'd think that'd be wicked annoying but it's really not that bad. Also everytime I hear them I think of the wicked witch of the west, who, btw if anyone notices was much thinner than glinda (better keep off those sugarplums lady), PS I believe the take home message is "evil makes you thin"... but the monkeys in the morning make me think of images of my wielding my unholy army when and where the time is right for my global domination.... obviously.
1). I've been taken out to dinner twice in the past week, and to like actual restaurants, as a result of my post at Snotty Retail Location (SRL). If this trend continues my fridge will contain nothing but mixers, olives, and limes...... oh wait.....
2). Today marks the 80th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II. I've always been a big fan of HRH, she totally called foul on Fergie, and trying to throne-block Camilla was the best play I've seen in ages. Plus that lady can rock a Sunday hat on Saturday like I don't know what. Plus according to valuable sources, her mother only employed homosexual butlers, and was quoted as saying
She also employed a personal staff with many gay persons and once said, after her gin and tonic was continuously delayed by backstairs bickering, "When one of you young queens has finished, can you bring this old Queen a drink?" According to an article in The Observer (10 November 2002), after being advised by a Tory Minister in the 1970s not to employ homosexuals, the Queen Mother observed that without them, "we'd have to go self-service."
anyone who doesn't respect that kind of upbringing should be smacked with a royal diamond encrusted hand. We would not be amused.
3). One of my co-workers at SRL is currently the topic of speculation because all the other mo's are wondering if he's gay or straight. My gaydar is seven flavors of messed up so I don't even try, however I will say that after work he invited me to get a drink with him at the restaurant next door, being the consumate gentleman I am I agreed, plus he's wicked fun. Anyways, apparently the restaurant next door is like his hangout which I'm over because ew, but we got drinks and obviously I got a dirty bombay martini up. What did Hetero Harry get?????? a pomegrante martini.... it was all I could do to say "Ummm lady, anything you wanna tell me?... like maybe you want a hot dog reallll bad?"
4). Around 10:30 last night when I was folding polos, setting up displays, and generally being the gayest gay gay ever in gay life, myself the manager, a couple of my co-workers, which consist of gays and those who admire them, decided to turn our store into a club. So off went the lights, on went beyonce and we turned it out... the store also has this ambient lighting kind of like Halo but better... and at one point I stopped, looked at the wall to wall clothing and I thought to myself "if you added alcohol, this, right now, would be gay heaven."
5). I woke up again this morning to the monkeys, you'd think that'd be wicked annoying but it's really not that bad. Also everytime I hear them I think of the wicked witch of the west, who, btw if anyone notices was much thinner than glinda (better keep off those sugarplums lady), PS I believe the take home message is "evil makes you thin"... but the monkeys in the morning make me think of images of my wielding my unholy army when and where the time is right for my global domination.... obviously.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I'm sorry... we can't fit you in this week.... perhaps in May.
Ok, so.... as I was standing at Juniors the other day I was thinking... mostly because the group of ladies I was with were all (for the most part) with their significant others holding hands, giving little kisses... you know, stuff that makes me want to take out my european carryall and beat them till they bleed type of behavior. I was looking around at the sad state of affairs that was the clientele at Juniors and thought to myself... "hmmm I guess being single aint so bad."
Now I know that some of y'all are either ga ga over your paramours or bemoaning the fact that you currently don't have someone who will fill an apparent void that you have... and if anyone makes a comment about my void being filled I will slap you till my lee press on's fall off. I am a lady.
Anyways I was thinking, you know what, not that I'm not interested in having a "someone special" or in the future maybe settle down, it was great when I had a boyfriend, but where would I find the time?? Between Job, theoretical further education which may or may not develop, job #1 and job #2, spending time with friends, not to mention the copious amounts of "Dale Time" which may or may not involve me sitting around in my pajama bottoms contemplating the merits of whatever situation Valerie Bertinelli or Judith Light have gotten themselves into on their moment of truth movies, I honestly don't have time.
I want (not need) a gentleman caller that will fit into my life, not make it more complicated, and until that happens momma aint gonna settle. Settling is for commoners.
*PS it's unclear if I come across bitter and jaded... hmmmmmm.
*PPS, this also doesn't mean I'm ho'ing it up and down 17th. Read above.... Dale is a lady.
Now I know that some of y'all are either ga ga over your paramours or bemoaning the fact that you currently don't have someone who will fill an apparent void that you have... and if anyone makes a comment about my void being filled I will slap you till my lee press on's fall off. I am a lady.
Anyways I was thinking, you know what, not that I'm not interested in having a "someone special" or in the future maybe settle down, it was great when I had a boyfriend, but where would I find the time?? Between Job, theoretical further education which may or may not develop, job #1 and job #2, spending time with friends, not to mention the copious amounts of "Dale Time" which may or may not involve me sitting around in my pajama bottoms contemplating the merits of whatever situation Valerie Bertinelli or Judith Light have gotten themselves into on their moment of truth movies, I honestly don't have time.
I want (not need) a gentleman caller that will fit into my life, not make it more complicated, and until that happens momma aint gonna settle. Settling is for commoners.
*PS it's unclear if I come across bitter and jaded... hmmmmmm.
*PPS, this also doesn't mean I'm ho'ing it up and down 17th. Read above.... Dale is a lady.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Reverse Racial Profiling...... a study in terror.
Ok So. I don't really consider myself that ethnic, I don't think that I look very asian or exotic or diverge much from your average looking person. I mean honestly, I was raised episcopalian, my cousins have blonde hair and blue eyes, I never played an instrument (the mandatory recorder lessons in the third grade doesn't count). Anyways it never dawns on me that a guy would come up to me because he thought he could live out his fantasy of experiencing a taste of the orient.... the thought alone makes me want to have a Mary Kate Moment and barf everything I've ever eaten up.
Anyways, last night, I got co-erced into joining some ladies at the local watering hole. PS not only didn't I get drunk, I was home and in bed by 10:30. However while at said watering hole a gentleman came over that had taken me out on several dates in the past couple of weeks, someone whom I wasn't really THAT interested in, but wouldn't necessarily mind being friends with. I went over to see him, and he was surrounded by the type of gaysians that make me want to bleach my hair, have reconstructive surgery on my eyes and change my name to Biff. The kind that travels in packs, speak in what appears to be broken english and you know that b*tch got a 750 on the verbal part of the SAT, and wears clothes that have A/X all over them.... blah. I was introduced to the new bf I guess of the gentleman in question.... funnily enough, I had been making fun of this guy ALL night for his horrible choice of day-glo polo striped shirt and ill-fitting jeans, who btw was classy enough to stroke the crotch of the guy that had taken me out while I was standing there facing them and conversing with them. Being the classy lady that I am I said "honey I don't think that's his knee" to which I got a geisha giggle and the gaysian covered his mouth with his hand.... did he NOT realize where his hand had just been? that's just not right.
Anyways apparently it was divulged that they had been dating when the gentleman had taken me out.... something that I am not ok with as I like to think of myself as a lady with a clean reputation. When that piece of news was divulged I gave the two of them my best french smile and said... "It's time for me to go over there now" and left the two of them. Unfortunately that put a damper on the rest of my evening and I excused myself and left forthwith.
I still kinda want to wash myself with all the soap in the world and a steel brush..... ewwwww.
P.S. I met this lady at JR's and let me just say that she is the best that VA has to offer and so much more! ;)
Anyways, last night, I got co-erced into joining some ladies at the local watering hole. PS not only didn't I get drunk, I was home and in bed by 10:30. However while at said watering hole a gentleman came over that had taken me out on several dates in the past couple of weeks, someone whom I wasn't really THAT interested in, but wouldn't necessarily mind being friends with. I went over to see him, and he was surrounded by the type of gaysians that make me want to bleach my hair, have reconstructive surgery on my eyes and change my name to Biff. The kind that travels in packs, speak in what appears to be broken english and you know that b*tch got a 750 on the verbal part of the SAT, and wears clothes that have A/X all over them.... blah. I was introduced to the new bf I guess of the gentleman in question.... funnily enough, I had been making fun of this guy ALL night for his horrible choice of day-glo polo striped shirt and ill-fitting jeans, who btw was classy enough to stroke the crotch of the guy that had taken me out while I was standing there facing them and conversing with them. Being the classy lady that I am I said "honey I don't think that's his knee" to which I got a geisha giggle and the gaysian covered his mouth with his hand.... did he NOT realize where his hand had just been? that's just not right.
Anyways apparently it was divulged that they had been dating when the gentleman had taken me out.... something that I am not ok with as I like to think of myself as a lady with a clean reputation. When that piece of news was divulged I gave the two of them my best french smile and said... "It's time for me to go over there now" and left the two of them. Unfortunately that put a damper on the rest of my evening and I excused myself and left forthwith.
I still kinda want to wash myself with all the soap in the world and a steel brush..... ewwwww.
P.S. I met this lady at JR's and let me just say that she is the best that VA has to offer and so much more! ;)
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
LOTR, reflection on society or just plain good movie?
Ok, So after I got home last night, put in some shake and bake (PS I'm so addicted to shake and bake original flavor it's not even funny) and got changed into my sweats and sat down with a load of clean laundry and was folding it I decided to watch LOTR..... and then it struck me.... maybe it was the 4 hours of sleep I'd gotten the night before, maybe it was the fact that I was busier than a one armed paper hanger on Monday, or maybe it was because it's happened and momma has finally snapped. who's to know.
ANYWAYS so it dawned on me how Lord of the Rings is a good reflection on the gay world at least from this mo's perspective....... let's review shall we?
Elves: Now this one is a no brainer.... hairless, manicured eyebrows, a waist that rivals a pre-pubescent girl and the ability to stay wrinkle free for their entire lives. Plus they're oh so delicate. This would be a charecterization of the most communicated stereotype of the gay male, cuz you know when it's just them around they think they're strong black women.
Dwarves: Lesbians, now not all lesbians but what struck me was the quote "you can't tell the women dwarves from the men due to their long beards" you ever been to a WNBA game? I'm just saying is all.
Men: These would be your Abersnobby and B*tch types, the "I'm 35 and still in a frat, and only wear sleeveless t-shirts because I spend all my free time at the gym" type of guys. They are most likely to use the term "straight acting" and have issues about the "size of their sword."
Hobbits: Twinks, tiny, bright eyed, and all about climbing into bed together. Plus they always look like they've got something to prove.
Yeah I know, I need a new hobby, I didn't get very much sleep because apparently my neighborhood got turned into the vietnam war last night complete with helicopters and search lights.... effing sweet.
ANYWAYS so it dawned on me how Lord of the Rings is a good reflection on the gay world at least from this mo's perspective....... let's review shall we?
Elves: Now this one is a no brainer.... hairless, manicured eyebrows, a waist that rivals a pre-pubescent girl and the ability to stay wrinkle free for their entire lives. Plus they're oh so delicate. This would be a charecterization of the most communicated stereotype of the gay male, cuz you know when it's just them around they think they're strong black women.
Dwarves: Lesbians, now not all lesbians but what struck me was the quote "you can't tell the women dwarves from the men due to their long beards" you ever been to a WNBA game? I'm just saying is all.
Men: These would be your Abersnobby and B*tch types, the "I'm 35 and still in a frat, and only wear sleeveless t-shirts because I spend all my free time at the gym" type of guys. They are most likely to use the term "straight acting" and have issues about the "size of their sword."
Hobbits: Twinks, tiny, bright eyed, and all about climbing into bed together. Plus they always look like they've got something to prove.
Yeah I know, I need a new hobby, I didn't get very much sleep because apparently my neighborhood got turned into the vietnam war last night complete with helicopters and search lights.... effing sweet.
Monday, April 17, 2006
He has risen..... indeed.
Remember the time I stayed in on Friday night? yeah me either. Friday night caught me with one of my friends whom I played baseball with in elementary school.... yes b*tches that's right, I played baseball. My parents thought it'd be a good idea to be part of a "team." I only caught one ball the entire season and that was with my eyes closed a la sandlot fame, ps I still have the ball, pps if anyone makes any comments about my being able to catch I will cut you.
ANYWAYS we went to a bar in georgetown for one of our mutual friends birthdays.... now I hate bars in georgetown on the weekend, frat trash and sorostitutes galore, crowded, noisy, basically a bunch of people patting themselves on the back for being cool in georgetown.... woo....hoo, give me a dive bar and the ability to wear my hat indoors any day. We saw some kids that we'd gone to HS with, who have jobs like golf instructor, or works for a siding company..... I hate the "what do you do" game because it always ends up in my doing awkward robot dance ESPECIALLY when it's followed by the "where do you live now" game.... DOUBLE ESPECIALLY when the person I'm talking to says things like "Germantown" or "Alexandria"..... suburbs....ewwwwwwwwwww.
Saturday I spent the morning and early afternoon at the georgetown location of Snobby Retail Location. Are the guys I'm working with hot? yes, yes they are. Do I get a fantastic discount? yes, yes I do. The one part about this gig that I think is HILARIOUS is that I will be keeping a "clientele" book and when I am supposed to develop a client base that will come into the store on a regular basis so that I can outfit them in the appropriate accoutrement. The manager may or may not have expressed the idea to send birthday presents to our clients as well.... this is pretty crazy.
Saturday night after walking from Georgetown to my new pad and cooking a digiorno pizza and making myself a little drinky poo, I may or may not have fallen asleep ON the half eaten digiorno pizza while watching Steel Magnolias on the floor since I have no furniture besides my bed at the moment..... that was a totally better idea than going out and perhaps meeting a new gentleman caller..... totally better.
I celebrated the resurrection of our lord with several ladies and have not eaten such good quiche in years... the theme of the little gathering was "there is no judgement on easter"...because I shared the digiorno story...
Went to my parents house in the afternoon, who were more than half in the bag when I got there, mom in her requisite pearls and sun hat on the deck drinking a bloody mary, dad in his khakis drinking I think a rusty nail or something. Gorged on more food, drank more wine... went to bed at 10pm....
I think I'm taking a mental health day this week. I'm so over my job
ANYWAYS we went to a bar in georgetown for one of our mutual friends birthdays.... now I hate bars in georgetown on the weekend, frat trash and sorostitutes galore, crowded, noisy, basically a bunch of people patting themselves on the back for being cool in georgetown.... woo....hoo, give me a dive bar and the ability to wear my hat indoors any day. We saw some kids that we'd gone to HS with, who have jobs like golf instructor, or works for a siding company..... I hate the "what do you do" game because it always ends up in my doing awkward robot dance ESPECIALLY when it's followed by the "where do you live now" game.... DOUBLE ESPECIALLY when the person I'm talking to says things like "Germantown" or "Alexandria"..... suburbs....ewwwwwwwwwww.
Saturday I spent the morning and early afternoon at the georgetown location of Snobby Retail Location. Are the guys I'm working with hot? yes, yes they are. Do I get a fantastic discount? yes, yes I do. The one part about this gig that I think is HILARIOUS is that I will be keeping a "clientele" book and when I am supposed to develop a client base that will come into the store on a regular basis so that I can outfit them in the appropriate accoutrement. The manager may or may not have expressed the idea to send birthday presents to our clients as well.... this is pretty crazy.
Saturday night after walking from Georgetown to my new pad and cooking a digiorno pizza and making myself a little drinky poo, I may or may not have fallen asleep ON the half eaten digiorno pizza while watching Steel Magnolias on the floor since I have no furniture besides my bed at the moment..... that was a totally better idea than going out and perhaps meeting a new gentleman caller..... totally better.
I celebrated the resurrection of our lord with several ladies and have not eaten such good quiche in years... the theme of the little gathering was "there is no judgement on easter"...because I shared the digiorno story...
Went to my parents house in the afternoon, who were more than half in the bag when I got there, mom in her requisite pearls and sun hat on the deck drinking a bloody mary, dad in his khakis drinking I think a rusty nail or something. Gorged on more food, drank more wine... went to bed at 10pm....
I think I'm taking a mental health day this week. I'm so over my job
Friday, April 14, 2006
Friday..... hungover at work....what a shocker.
So ok, now that I'm living in Jumanji instead of eastern Czechoslovakia I can walk the runway (17th st.) all the live long day if I so choose.... this may not have been the best decision as now I can also frequent all the bars without worrying about cabs and such and so on and so forth.... Anyways... things that I may or may not have learned last night include:
1). Ok so I'm so Bob Villa and I'm redoing parts of Jumanji, mostly just changing the showerhead but whatever. Apparently putting the wrench thingy next to the showerhead you want to change and walking away to pour yourself a glass of wine and eat dinner doesn't get the job done... what the hell is the point of tools if they don't do stuff themselves?? PS, I'm so butch right now.
2). Totally introduced myself by saying "oh I'm Dale of DC Gays of our lives" to this fellow whom apparently I've been introduced to several times before and may or may not have conversed with on several occasions. I am horrible with names and remembering people but I still hate playing the "you met me but I don't remember meeting you" game. *Insert Awkward Robot Dance Here*
PS- It always suprises me when people remember me by face and/or name, in a good way like finding a dollar in your shoe, not like a "hmmm I wonder what that bump on my (gentialia) is?" kind of way
3). Getting McDonalds and supersizing it on the way home after a night out at the bars..... not a good idea.... I am not in a good place right now. I really need to stick to Amsterdam Falafel.
4). Yeah I had to have This Lady's boyfriend pretend to be MY boyfriend last night when I got cornered by a member of the icky club.... picture it, acne scars, mid to late 30's, greased back ponytail..... obviously pure klass. Anyways I know that guy because we graduated from the same institution (albeit when he graduated people still used slide rules and I graduated in 04) and at the accepted students reception at the National Press Club a year ago, (PS I went because the school asked me to because I'm the most ethnic person in life) Anyways el sketcho wanted to "talk about the school," however, thanks due to the fake bf, I said I had to go and I think I even pulled the.... "My (fake) bf is SO bossy, he wants to go to the other side of the bar?? Oh well, k talk to you soon, oh sorry can't get my phone out to get your number... kthxbi!!"
5). I'm starting my weekend position as a retail freak tomorrow morning..... to take a quote from the best episode of Saved by the Bell , as affirmed by this lady (closely followed by the episode where slater does ballet to impress jesse and the beginning of my love affair with Mario Lopez) and the reasoning behind the naming of the best kickball team in DC... "I'm so excited, so excited.......so scared" (Ok not so much on the scared part but the chance of there being hot guys I'll be working with will be high right??)
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I think were alone now...... there doesn't seem to be anyone around
I've never lived alone before and the prospect has me giddier than Marion Barry in Bogota. I realized this last night as I was sitting on the floor amid piles of clothes I've rescued from Czechoslovakia and brought to Jumanji eating leftover Kung Pao and watching a Harry Potter movie....... and don't sit there judging me like your ghetto A$$es never did that before.... oh and a bottle of yellowtail... I heart yellowtail.
In elementary school I was horrible at sharing, if something was mine and you took it you were gonna get it.... one time a kid that lived on my street "borrowed" one of my toys.... what did I do? oh that's right, got the neighborhood kids to start a "we don't like (person) club" and then I got some of the bigger kids to hang him by his shirt from a tree in someone's yard. I totally got time out for that one. Funny thing is we ended up being friends in HS cuz we were both captains of the swim team.
College I wasn't BAD at sharing necessarily, the head of my straight bf harem and I shared a bedroom in London that was maybe 8 x 10. and if you take out the area for the bunk bed there was barely room to move but I had no problems with it, mostly because he was the coolest guy ever, he'd be my escort to the gay club but only under the proviso that he get to wear acid washed tapered jeans with high top keds and a ripped tshirt that said "I'm with stupid" just to embarass me... I LOVED IT..... picture it, 6' +, rugby team, pre-med.... not a bad sell!!!
After college my first living situation with the two harpies of death, with whom the only thing I shared was death stares... and apparently 57 missed calls the night that I deadbolted the door and couldn't hear them trying to get in at 3:30 in the morning.... they LOVED me after that one....
The two guys I most currently lived with are, for use of a better term, dirty. They are the stereotypical straight guy, leave dishes in the sink for 4 days at a stretch, leave things in the fridge till they are undiscernible as food type guys. Not bad guys, but I realized as I stared at my new and remodeled kitchen that I immaculately scrubbed and put everything away the way I feel that it should be, otherwise known as the right way.
..... If I sound like a selfish b*tch I apologize, but the prospect of having everything just the way I like it without having to compromise is UHMAZING!!!
In elementary school I was horrible at sharing, if something was mine and you took it you were gonna get it.... one time a kid that lived on my street "borrowed" one of my toys.... what did I do? oh that's right, got the neighborhood kids to start a "we don't like (person) club" and then I got some of the bigger kids to hang him by his shirt from a tree in someone's yard. I totally got time out for that one. Funny thing is we ended up being friends in HS cuz we were both captains of the swim team.
College I wasn't BAD at sharing necessarily, the head of my straight bf harem and I shared a bedroom in London that was maybe 8 x 10. and if you take out the area for the bunk bed there was barely room to move but I had no problems with it, mostly because he was the coolest guy ever, he'd be my escort to the gay club but only under the proviso that he get to wear acid washed tapered jeans with high top keds and a ripped tshirt that said "I'm with stupid" just to embarass me... I LOVED IT..... picture it, 6' +, rugby team, pre-med.... not a bad sell!!!
After college my first living situation with the two harpies of death, with whom the only thing I shared was death stares... and apparently 57 missed calls the night that I deadbolted the door and couldn't hear them trying to get in at 3:30 in the morning.... they LOVED me after that one....
The two guys I most currently lived with are, for use of a better term, dirty. They are the stereotypical straight guy, leave dishes in the sink for 4 days at a stretch, leave things in the fridge till they are undiscernible as food type guys. Not bad guys, but I realized as I stared at my new and remodeled kitchen that I immaculately scrubbed and put everything away the way I feel that it should be, otherwise known as the right way.
..... If I sound like a selfish b*tch I apologize, but the prospect of having everything just the way I like it without having to compromise is UHMAZING!!!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Is it friday yet?
I can tell that this week is already going to be one of "those" weeks, the ones that make you want to hang yourself by your toenails over a vat of HCl (Hydrochloric Acid) because of bureaucratic BS.
However..... I'm excited because the mass exodus from East Czechoslovakia to my new digs has begun!! between last weekend and yesterday I've had the opportunity to move some of my clothes and my kitchen stuff to the new place. Oh I've come up with a name too, in light of the fact that my new and favorite neighbor is butterstick and the fact that I was awoken this morning by the monkeys in the zoo welcoming me to the neighborhood, my new place is called JUMANJI!!!
PS.. city lights delivers to Jumanji, I may never cook again.
PPS.. Bedknobs and broomsticks and Kung pao chicken is a great way to spend an evening.
PPPS.. Also had my first noise complaint last night... first night first noise complaint? this bodes well.
However..... I'm excited because the mass exodus from East Czechoslovakia to my new digs has begun!! between last weekend and yesterday I've had the opportunity to move some of my clothes and my kitchen stuff to the new place. Oh I've come up with a name too, in light of the fact that my new and favorite neighbor is butterstick and the fact that I was awoken this morning by the monkeys in the zoo welcoming me to the neighborhood, my new place is called JUMANJI!!!
PS.. city lights delivers to Jumanji, I may never cook again.
PPS.. Bedknobs and broomsticks and Kung pao chicken is a great way to spend an evening.
PPPS.. Also had my first noise complaint last night... first night first noise complaint? this bodes well.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Blasts from the past
This weekend has been ALL about blasts from the past some of whom I wish would stay in the past, some of whom I'm glad are still blasting away.
On friday about an hour before I left for the day read (mentally I checked out before I got in due to the events friday morning) I received an email from one of "the ex's" someone whom I only harbor wonderful and terrible memories of. He apparently wanted to see what I was up to, what I was doing, etc. etc. and so forth. Thankfully right after we broke up I moved to London so I had the opportunity to not only put distance, but boys with all types of cute accents in between me and him..... the last time I saw him he was blackout at Sadlands and he came up to me and professed his undying love for me, I don't forsee any extreme level of communication to be forthcoming. Closure party of one, I believe the table for closure party of one is now available.
Saturday for dinner I, along with my parents went out to dinner with a family friend whose children I grew up with and known since we were all in kindergarten, the famous spaghetti fight of '88 is still the talk of the Uppity Waspy Neighborhood. Unfortunately they are involved with a not too cute public scandal that's all over the news at the moment and is therefore very nervous, touchy etc. Dinner came to a halt when the family friend said in reference to the money she makes on the side, "I think that's tax evasion if I don't declare it, but that's ok, if I go to jail I can share a cell with (name of person involved in scandal)".... thank GOD my wine glass was full....all I'm sayin.
Saturday night after dinner, before I went out out, I went to a party that was the celebration of one of my fellow graduates from the best school in New England birthday. Saw a lot of fellow 'cats' and caught up with one of my straight boyfriends from college that is now engaged to a girl that we were both on the swimteam with. He is two years older than I and I always regarded him in the "wow he's so cool and older than me and I want to be JUST like him" type of relationships. He was one of my hosts when I was a swim team recruit and likes to think he's responsible for my ending one of the two nights I stayed spooning a trash can and singing the words to Backstreet Boys "I want it that way". Apparently the legend is that if you make the pre-frosh throw up on their recruiting trip they'll go to (Best school in New England).
.........I applied and got accepted early decision.........
On friday about an hour before I left for the day read (mentally I checked out before I got in due to the events friday morning) I received an email from one of "the ex's" someone whom I only harbor wonderful and terrible memories of. He apparently wanted to see what I was up to, what I was doing, etc. etc. and so forth. Thankfully right after we broke up I moved to London so I had the opportunity to not only put distance, but boys with all types of cute accents in between me and him..... the last time I saw him he was blackout at Sadlands and he came up to me and professed his undying love for me, I don't forsee any extreme level of communication to be forthcoming. Closure party of one, I believe the table for closure party of one is now available.
Saturday for dinner I, along with my parents went out to dinner with a family friend whose children I grew up with and known since we were all in kindergarten, the famous spaghetti fight of '88 is still the talk of the Uppity Waspy Neighborhood. Unfortunately they are involved with a not too cute public scandal that's all over the news at the moment and is therefore very nervous, touchy etc. Dinner came to a halt when the family friend said in reference to the money she makes on the side, "I think that's tax evasion if I don't declare it, but that's ok, if I go to jail I can share a cell with (name of person involved in scandal)".... thank GOD my wine glass was full....all I'm sayin.
Saturday night after dinner, before I went out out, I went to a party that was the celebration of one of my fellow graduates from the best school in New England birthday. Saw a lot of fellow 'cats' and caught up with one of my straight boyfriends from college that is now engaged to a girl that we were both on the swimteam with. He is two years older than I and I always regarded him in the "wow he's so cool and older than me and I want to be JUST like him" type of relationships. He was one of my hosts when I was a swim team recruit and likes to think he's responsible for my ending one of the two nights I stayed spooning a trash can and singing the words to Backstreet Boys "I want it that way". Apparently the legend is that if you make the pre-frosh throw up on their recruiting trip they'll go to (Best school in New England).
.........I applied and got accepted early decision.........
Friday, April 07, 2006
Friday Five A Hot or Not sort of day
1). Hot: My parents are going to their first PFLAG meeting (if you met my parents you knew this is NOT the sort of thing that a WASPY [cept for daddykins, he's geisha] martini drinking, buick driving sweater set wearing family does....... we like to take trips to the corner of Denial and Booze.
Not: My mom wants to walk in the pride parade in a sunhat and pearls with a cocktail... after coming from her anniversary party that I'm planning.,...in her wedding dress... who wants to bet she gets confused for a drag queen?
2). Hot: Rolling into a lawyers office this morning in big black sunglasses, jeans and an oversized hoody like I was a trophy wife on the way to a estate hearing and when the secretary man asked me if I wanted anything I said a latte.....and he went and got me starbucks.
Not: After about ten minutes of mulling over the "how do I know you" thing it dawned on me. I made out with him while dancing at Cobalt. Needless to say I kept the sunglasses on till I was seated with the lawyer.
3). Hot: the prospect of emigrating from East Uzbekistan to the new super-fun location, where... btw I am neighbors with butterstick... jealous? yeah I'd be too.
Not: The number it's going to do on my bank account when I can walk everywhere instead of cabbing it.
4). Hot: The prospect of warm weather and popped collars, flip flops and sunglasses for me
Not: The fact that Mother Nature is apparently on the rag and decided to be a B*tch and rain all over me when I was walking to my meeting a la trophy wife fame this morning.
5). Hot: I'm deeming this cocktail the new cocktail of Spring at least it's MY new cocktail of spring.
Not: The fact that it's honestly purely a joke and I won't drink it at all and I will be sticking to my two lovers.... Vodka and Gin in all their forms.
Not: My mom wants to walk in the pride parade in a sunhat and pearls with a cocktail... after coming from her anniversary party that I'm planning.,...in her wedding dress... who wants to bet she gets confused for a drag queen?
2). Hot: Rolling into a lawyers office this morning in big black sunglasses, jeans and an oversized hoody like I was a trophy wife on the way to a estate hearing and when the secretary man asked me if I wanted anything I said a latte.....and he went and got me starbucks.
Not: After about ten minutes of mulling over the "how do I know you" thing it dawned on me. I made out with him while dancing at Cobalt. Needless to say I kept the sunglasses on till I was seated with the lawyer.
3). Hot: the prospect of emigrating from East Uzbekistan to the new super-fun location, where... btw I am neighbors with butterstick... jealous? yeah I'd be too.
Not: The number it's going to do on my bank account when I can walk everywhere instead of cabbing it.
4). Hot: The prospect of warm weather and popped collars, flip flops and sunglasses for me
Not: The fact that Mother Nature is apparently on the rag and decided to be a B*tch and rain all over me when I was walking to my meeting a la trophy wife fame this morning.
5). Hot: I'm deeming this cocktail the new cocktail of Spring at least it's MY new cocktail of spring.
Not: The fact that it's honestly purely a joke and I won't drink it at all and I will be sticking to my two lovers.... Vodka and Gin in all their forms.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Here there I'm EVERYWHERE
1). I was reminded by several different people last night that I, Dale, am not a strong black woman, ps I totally heart Jimbo for his link to the article... tots classic. This was due to the fact that a Strong, Black Woman has joined our kickball team and is every bit as sassy as I could hope for!!! Thank you Santa for bringing me my present of a strong black woman early!!! However I'm still strong and ethnic a la JLC style, so get out of my way before I go hong kong fuey on your a$$.
2). Amsterdam falafel after cheap beer and a shot of SoCo and Lime is always a good idea, especially when you smother the falafel in hummus and chickpeas and fresh tomatoes and tahini and.......*insert noise of salivation and drool a la Pavlov's dog* plus the addition of golden delicious fries and dutch mayonaise...superb.
3). Yet another reason why the Vag is poop
4). I was talking to one of my friends the other day about furniture shopping and wall colors and such for my new digs which I still need a name for... I refuse to live in a location without a fitting nickname, and all of a sudden I had a panic attack that I was turning into "that gay guy" the one that lives for antiqueing on the weekends and saying things like "I love this chintz in the burgundy, it really goes with my new and fabulous window treatments" I hope I'm never that guy, cuz that guy sucks. I then ate a fun size snickers and all was again right with the world.
2). Amsterdam falafel after cheap beer and a shot of SoCo and Lime is always a good idea, especially when you smother the falafel in hummus and chickpeas and fresh tomatoes and tahini and.......*insert noise of salivation and drool a la Pavlov's dog* plus the addition of golden delicious fries and dutch mayonaise...superb.
3). Yet another reason why the Vag is poop
4). I was talking to one of my friends the other day about furniture shopping and wall colors and such for my new digs which I still need a name for... I refuse to live in a location without a fitting nickname, and all of a sudden I had a panic attack that I was turning into "that gay guy" the one that lives for antiqueing on the weekends and saying things like "I love this chintz in the burgundy, it really goes with my new and fabulous window treatments" I hope I'm never that guy, cuz that guy sucks. I then ate a fun size snickers and all was again right with the world.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
I......just.......don't......care.
Do you ever have people in your life that spout out endless streams of non-interesting, annoying like a Herpes outbreak on a first date type of prattle?? I'm not talking about friends that you talk to on a regular basis, people with whom you're actually interested in knowing how they're doing and what's going on in their lives, I'm talking about people with whom you are forced to be in the same physical space with but if you saw on the street and it were possible, you would avoid them like a post prom trip to planned parenthood.
I'm talking about co-workers. These are people whom you are more than willing to be polite to, say things like "have a good weekend?" and "Oh I know, the day can't end soon enough!" but don't really have a vested interest in anything that's going on. Not to say that co-workers can't be friends but the chance
I've seen this phenomenon more with women than with men, be it gay straight or pat, Men seem to want to get in, do what they need to do and get out whereas women (at my place of business) seem to need to have an ongoing noise stream going.
And it's effing annoying.
Not only don't I care about how you treat your pets like people, I REALLY don't care when you start telling me about how you're taking off work to get them chemo for a skin cancer that you just had biopsied blah blah blah blah. I just want to respond with "you know, you should really shoot the poor thing, want me to do it? Hold on, let me get my gun from the car."
Not only don't I care about how you and your bf of three years who hasn't even given you a key to his place much less popped any sort of question other than TGI Fridays or Bennigans, are planning on saving your money to go on a vaca to Ocean City *don't even get me started on Ocean City btw, never been, pure trash* I really want to respond with, "TGI Fridays huh? I hear they call that the Le Cirque of Manassas, you live at the intersection of nowhere and white trash right? Is that what they do for fun out there?"
As much as I'd like to hear inane stories about things that I don't care about.... oddly enough, I have better things to do (like obviously friendster stalking, blogging, and chatting on IM all day with people that I'd actually LIKE to talk to) I would rather we keep our conversations to a "how are you doing today" "Fine thank you" type of relationship.
PS - Did someone misplace their b*tch pills because it seems that I have more than enough to go around
PPS - I'm actually not in a bad mood today
PPPS - I may or may not have woken up this morning with cake all over my face having fallen asleep with a piece in my mouth last night.
I'm talking about co-workers. These are people whom you are more than willing to be polite to, say things like "have a good weekend?" and "Oh I know, the day can't end soon enough!" but don't really have a vested interest in anything that's going on. Not to say that co-workers can't be friends but the chance
I've seen this phenomenon more with women than with men, be it gay straight or pat, Men seem to want to get in, do what they need to do and get out whereas women (at my place of business) seem to need to have an ongoing noise stream going.
And it's effing annoying.
Not only don't I care about how you treat your pets like people, I REALLY don't care when you start telling me about how you're taking off work to get them chemo for a skin cancer that you just had biopsied blah blah blah blah. I just want to respond with "you know, you should really shoot the poor thing, want me to do it? Hold on, let me get my gun from the car."
Not only don't I care about how you and your bf of three years who hasn't even given you a key to his place much less popped any sort of question other than TGI Fridays or Bennigans, are planning on saving your money to go on a vaca to Ocean City *don't even get me started on Ocean City btw, never been, pure trash* I really want to respond with, "TGI Fridays huh? I hear they call that the Le Cirque of Manassas, you live at the intersection of nowhere and white trash right? Is that what they do for fun out there?"
As much as I'd like to hear inane stories about things that I don't care about.... oddly enough, I have better things to do (like obviously friendster stalking, blogging, and chatting on IM all day with people that I'd actually LIKE to talk to) I would rather we keep our conversations to a "how are you doing today" "Fine thank you" type of relationship.
PS - Did someone misplace their b*tch pills because it seems that I have more than enough to go around
PPS - I'm actually not in a bad mood today
PPPS - I may or may not have woken up this morning with cake all over my face having fallen asleep with a piece in my mouth last night.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Sayonara SUCKAHS!!!!
I would like to offer my farewell...... to the quadrant that I have called the place where I sleep for the past 10 months, otherwise known as the G spot. When I moved to the G spot I was in a HORRIBLE roomate situation. Let me give you a little insight.
I was living in the dirty Vag... yes yes let the taunting begin. I lived on the Arlington/Alexandria border in a 3 bedroom apartment with two girls, one whom I'd known since elementary school, the other was her college roommate. (That was a bad choice). The roommate who will be called White Chocolate, thought that she was of the African American persuasion. She got Vibe and Ebony magazine, only had her tv to BET at all times, and wore oversized tupac shirts, skin tight jeans, and Timberlands to go to the grocery store.... oh and she would tell me on a regular basis that I dressed strange... Friend from elementary school decided she didn't need a job when we moved, and that her employment at a wannabe snotty retail location would be sufficient, she was wrong. So basically she was in a bad mood for the year that we were living there. Combined with the fact that I got the Master bedroom and my own bathroom and you have a recipe for disaster. So I wanted out, I wanted out BAD, I vowed never to deal with drama of the vagina-centric variety anymore and moved in with two straight friends from college.... we've had our ups and downs but it's definitely been preferrable to living with two sexually starved, racially confused, financially arid, (kinda busted) miserable girls whose idea of a rocking friday night was popping in "barbershop" and talking about homies while sipping on Bacardi Ice *Shudder*.
So I moved to SW, which in retrospect was probably not the best choice in life, not that my roomies are that bad or anything but THERE"S NOTHING THERE. Therefore, after a year... I will be bidding her adieu.
I will be saying goodbye to the hooker who lives in the apt. building across the street that I've shared a nicotine treat on more than one occasion with after I'd come home from the gayborhood and she'd just be starting her night (her name is peaches btw), we'd chat, we'd visit... and I'd gently remind her that white pumps before memorial day is a no no *sweet jesus I'll talk to just about anyone won't I?*
I will be saying goodbye to the gay couple in their 50's-60's who live next door and have a dog that looks like it was born shortly following the chernobyl disaster... it's a poodle with almost no hair and these weird devil eyes. I will be saying goodbye to their inexplicable precense on their front steps every time I come home from the gym.
I will be saying goodbye to stuffing 10 bucks in my back pocket before I go out every weekend so I'd have money for the cab home... I'll be hoofing it from now on b*tches!~!
However......
I'm saying hello to being able to walk to the runway (17th st.), living not in BFE, and all the gloriousness that my new digs will entail... WATCH OUT NW!!!!!
I was living in the dirty Vag... yes yes let the taunting begin. I lived on the Arlington/Alexandria border in a 3 bedroom apartment with two girls, one whom I'd known since elementary school, the other was her college roommate. (That was a bad choice). The roommate who will be called White Chocolate, thought that she was of the African American persuasion. She got Vibe and Ebony magazine, only had her tv to BET at all times, and wore oversized tupac shirts, skin tight jeans, and Timberlands to go to the grocery store.... oh and she would tell me on a regular basis that I dressed strange... Friend from elementary school decided she didn't need a job when we moved, and that her employment at a wannabe snotty retail location would be sufficient, she was wrong. So basically she was in a bad mood for the year that we were living there. Combined with the fact that I got the Master bedroom and my own bathroom and you have a recipe for disaster. So I wanted out, I wanted out BAD, I vowed never to deal with drama of the vagina-centric variety anymore and moved in with two straight friends from college.... we've had our ups and downs but it's definitely been preferrable to living with two sexually starved, racially confused, financially arid, (kinda busted) miserable girls whose idea of a rocking friday night was popping in "barbershop" and talking about homies while sipping on Bacardi Ice *Shudder*.
So I moved to SW, which in retrospect was probably not the best choice in life, not that my roomies are that bad or anything but THERE"S NOTHING THERE. Therefore, after a year... I will be bidding her adieu.
I will be saying goodbye to the hooker who lives in the apt. building across the street that I've shared a nicotine treat on more than one occasion with after I'd come home from the gayborhood and she'd just be starting her night (her name is peaches btw), we'd chat, we'd visit... and I'd gently remind her that white pumps before memorial day is a no no *sweet jesus I'll talk to just about anyone won't I?*
I will be saying goodbye to the gay couple in their 50's-60's who live next door and have a dog that looks like it was born shortly following the chernobyl disaster... it's a poodle with almost no hair and these weird devil eyes. I will be saying goodbye to their inexplicable precense on their front steps every time I come home from the gym.
I will be saying goodbye to stuffing 10 bucks in my back pocket before I go out every weekend so I'd have money for the cab home... I'll be hoofing it from now on b*tches!~!
However......
I'm saying hello to being able to walk to the runway (17th st.), living not in BFE, and all the gloriousness that my new digs will entail... WATCH OUT NW!!!!!
Monday, April 03, 2006
Daylight savings time blows
Now that we are living in a non-agrarian centric society I think that the only goal that daylight savings time serves is to piss me off. The hour in question doesn't help me get anything done, nor does it make my use of the hours in which it is light more productive. It only confuses me and makes me apt to rip anyone within earshot of me a new one as well as put thoughts into my head like... "Ok so it's ok that I can't keep my eyes open in the shower, because while in the outside world it says 7 am on the clock, here in my circle of trust it's really 6 am... ok that makes sense"
.... PS remember the time that a team from Va made it to the final two in bball in 2k6? yeah me either.... GO LADY TERPS!! (just another tidbit why Md rules and Va....well drools because everyone's inbred)
Also as was brought to my attention this weekend, apparently I have bought a large amount of tickets that are non-stop one way to friendship town when I MEANT to buy at least a couple tickets to make out/ any town that's not bff town. Who was the cool kid that THOUGHT that the invitation to "get a couple drinks at my apt. on the rooftop deck and then go out dancing" was more than an invitation to hang out?? this guy (even though ok, not blaming the guy in question, really not his fault, plus he's wicked hot) Who stood around while said gentleman blatantly hit on somebody else and totally had the "this is a bad situation" light go on and had to excuse myself from el gay club?? This guy. Who ended the night by fat girl-ing it with two slices of Jumbo Slice and a partial viewing of Memoirs of a Geisha? this guy. Who may or may not have woken up in the middle of the night to take a drink of water, and took a huge gulp of the vodka tonic that I had apparently poured myself before passing out?? Yup you guessed it... this guy.
So, lets recap.... Daylight savings time... sucks. Being tooled on (however non-intentional)..... sucks. However picnic on the mall followed by fried chicken and beer drinking games followed by going out to AdMo with your friends?? does NOT suck. Week was a wash, lets pick up the pace people!
UPDATE: Ok so remember how I had my dream about the people I'd be working with at Snotty Retail Location (SRL)??? People I'm working with include a president of a local fraternity (shocking), two sorostitutes from AU (even more shocking) and another mo. I'm SO token right now......
.... PS remember the time that a team from Va made it to the final two in bball in 2k6? yeah me either.... GO LADY TERPS!! (just another tidbit why Md rules and Va....well drools because everyone's inbred)
Also as was brought to my attention this weekend, apparently I have bought a large amount of tickets that are non-stop one way to friendship town when I MEANT to buy at least a couple tickets to make out/ any town that's not bff town. Who was the cool kid that THOUGHT that the invitation to "get a couple drinks at my apt. on the rooftop deck and then go out dancing" was more than an invitation to hang out?? this guy (even though ok, not blaming the guy in question, really not his fault, plus he's wicked hot) Who stood around while said gentleman blatantly hit on somebody else and totally had the "this is a bad situation" light go on and had to excuse myself from el gay club?? This guy. Who ended the night by fat girl-ing it with two slices of Jumbo Slice and a partial viewing of Memoirs of a Geisha? this guy. Who may or may not have woken up in the middle of the night to take a drink of water, and took a huge gulp of the vodka tonic that I had apparently poured myself before passing out?? Yup you guessed it... this guy.
So, lets recap.... Daylight savings time... sucks. Being tooled on (however non-intentional)..... sucks. However picnic on the mall followed by fried chicken and beer drinking games followed by going out to AdMo with your friends?? does NOT suck. Week was a wash, lets pick up the pace people!
UPDATE: Ok so remember how I had my dream about the people I'd be working with at Snotty Retail Location (SRL)??? People I'm working with include a president of a local fraternity (shocking), two sorostitutes from AU (even more shocking) and another mo. I'm SO token right now......
Friday, March 31, 2006
Your Mother was a Hampster and your Father smelled of Elderberries!!!
So it being friday and all the gloriousness that comes with it a little bit of an update. Wearing free polo from Snotty retail location, and since I wasn't allowed to pick the size I can't really lift my arms over my head without exposing the better part of my midsection and as much fun as it would be to show annoying co-worker my piercing and have her squeal with sad suburbanite heterosexual delight I think I'll pass.... however the shirt creates the illusion I have a chest so, I'll take it. ANYWAYS, as I was staying in the great state of Md. last night I got to thinking about how much better MD is than the dirty dirty Vag. Dirty.
1). Any State that has the term (mixing bowl) describing a series of circuitous highways that I believe are just meant to screw with whomever drives on them should be divided up into tiny parts and sold to Belgium, at least they'd have the good sense to put up a nice patisserie or something instead. PS when is there NOT traffic on the mixing bowl.... PPS I will never nor have I ever driven on said bowl, I believe it is synonymous with the 5th circle of hell, right above a Wal-mart in the dirty Vag christmas eve and right below going to a bar in Rosslyn/Clarendon.
2). Maryland has THIS LADY to represent us! (Even though I'm a washingtonian, being born and raised in maryland allows me the dual citizenship status). Who's state senator has a recipe for crab cakes on her webpage?? MINE DOES!!! Who's state senator makes David Hyde Pierce look like a giant but keeps getting re-elected??? MINE DOES.... Whose state senator looks like your creepy old uncle that wants to touch you in your no no spot??? the dirty Vag's...that's who.
3). Washington DC currently exists on land that was given by the state of MD. ORIGINALLY Va also donated land to DC and then said....ummmm no, I'm sorry I think that we'll take that land back to form endless stretches of strip malls and ugly apartment buildings that obscure the DC skyline.... cuz that's OBVY a better idea.
4). Marylands state motto is "Fatti maschii, parole femine" (Manly deeds, Womanly Words), which to me basically says.... our drag queens can kick your butt and then make crabcakes and old bay bloody mary's for dinner...... b*tches. Virginia's is "Sic Semper Tyrannis" (Thus always to tyrants).... isn't that the same thing that John Wilkes Booth said after he shot Lincoln at fords theater on land that MD graciously donated to DC who freed the slaves and ended the civil war??? Sweet Vag....I'd TOTALLY want that as my state motto....
5). Old Bay is synonymous with MD. It goes on everything from veggies, to fries, to seafood, to soups, even to drinks (old bay bloody mary is the bomb!!!) I can go all Forrest Gump here and pontificate for days about the versatility of Old Bay and all of it's glorious application. It is the bestest in life and I'm pretty sure that without it I'd be a sad sad lady seeing as how while in college every break I'd come home and have to buy it in bulk..... what? don't judge me, I from ballmer, that's how we do. What does Va have??? nothing.....that's what.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I had a dream, where all the polos of the rainbow would live together in harmony!!!
Ok so I'm a double liar.....
Tuesday, after I "quit" the (Snotty Retail Location) I received a phone call from the gentleman that hired me, basically communicating that I could choose my own hours and wouldn't I please reconsider because he thinks I'd be a really good asset blah blah blah. PS after offering me the job last thursday he called me on friday night at 8:30 when I was at the Rhino in georgetown to see if I wanted to "meet for a drink and discuss my employment options" Yeah there will obviously be developments on THAT front as he's wicked WICKED hot.
So anyways I said *sigh* "ok (hot manager), I will work at your retail location and let you give me about 450 bucks of free clothing and take me out to dinner next week just so I can work less than 12 hours on the weekends and give everyone sass that walks through the door."
PPS, If anyone makes fun of me for going back to retail y'all b*tches can just kiss your access to my discount bye bye.... and it's an effing sweet discount *I think, I wasn't really paying attention*
ANYWAYS, so last night I had a dream about a scenario working at SRL, wherein someone didn't get hired and then came into the store and made a HUGE scene, imagine American Idol and crying and you have the scene. So there are 5 of us standing around, folding things, pretending to look busy and not really helping anyone out when the person who wasn't hired came in.... Imagine Wilson Cruz but 5'3" and fat.
So the hot manager comes out and says "whats the problem Fat Wilson Cruz?" to which FWC replied "You didn't hire me because I don't fit any of these effing stereotypes!!!!"
Hot manager replied back.... "and?" to which FWC replied "That's not fair!!!" and proceeds to cry and storm out of the store.
Anyways, so apparently I'm confused *shocking I know* and I ask everyone "what was FWC talking about"
And hot manager says "I hired you all because you fit a specific look that I want to come into the store" and then the 4 people that were working with me go around and say.....
"Preppy Slut (girl)"
"Hot Frat Boy"
"wholesome yet really hot boy next door"
"Country Club Hottie (boy)"
And then I said..... so what does that make me???
And they all reply in unison "Runway Queen"... you say things like "I don't know if we carry that in YOUR size", you may or may not have just stepped off a runway and you let everybody else know it. You dispense sass and judgement to clients like water and bread to the homeless.....
And then I woke up... I'm not sure if I'm really uncomfortable with that or just confused.
PPPS: Yesterday This Lady told me that if Lucy Liu and Julia Sugarbaker had a love child it'd be me.... I slightly disagree only to say that Lucy Liu is a cross-eyed befreckled fool. If anybody is going to sire me I believe it would be my fallen hero. Julia Sugarbaker is still my lady.
And then I said..... so what does that make me???
And they all reply in unison "Runway Queen"... you say things like "I don't know if we carry that in YOUR size", you may or may not have just stepped off a runway and you let everybody else know it. You dispense sass and judgement to clients like water and bread to the homeless.....
And then I woke up... I'm not sure if I'm really uncomfortable with that or just confused.
PPPS: Yesterday This Lady told me that if Lucy Liu and Julia Sugarbaker had a love child it'd be me.... I slightly disagree only to say that Lucy Liu is a cross-eyed befreckled fool. If anybody is going to sire me I believe it would be my fallen hero. Julia Sugarbaker is still my lady.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Remember the time I was a liar??
Yeah ok so it's right now because I've been all excitafied due to the fact that I was offered a low-paying, pretty much thankless job at a froo froo boutique in Chevy Chase on what I like to call the Gold-digger stretch.... Tiffanys, Cartier, Louis V, Saks, Neimans..... the perfect place to take your mistress, bf on the side, or houseboy to get the right accoutrement when you take them to the secluded location away from your actual gf, bf, or wife. Yeah I'm pretty sure I was excited because being offered a job on the basis of "a look" just strokes my ego seven ways from sunday that I, Dale, can still turn heads with a sassy stare and hair flip. So I've got a superficial "pick me because I'm pretty and oh so fun" streak in me...... so sue me. I've had two jobs before this one where I was picked on the same basis and while not a lasting comfort, not gonna lie that it feels damn good to have that kind of re-enforcement, however fleeting.
However, momma's growing, learning a few things, I'm not getting a few more wrinkles so y'all can shut that noise right quick.... quick tip from me to you, Asians don't wrinkle. We look like Connie Chung until we hit about 70ish and then we go Mr. Miyagi and look wizened, not wrinkled.
Unfortunately they didn't offer me enough money, the hours would be more than a hassle to get to and from on my way from el job de sucktown, and the new digs, not to mention the fact that it would pretty much be a total end to any type of social life that I have... even though I was the ONLY lady on Sunday brunch that went home by themselves saturday night ...whatever...I'm not bitter. So as much as it would stroke my ego to be hired based on someone's subjective view that I fit the "overpriced retail locations" look, I had to say no maam.... no maam indeed.
So I bid a fond farewell to "overpriced retail location", even though you had a sweet discount, offered me free clothes as a new employee, and would be in the perfect location for me to meet my rich first husband, I must say goodbye.... goodbye to the other staff whom I haven't met that are overdone and underfed, goodbye to the customers who think that just because their daddy gave them a humvee for channukah that means they can wear a baby T with their gut hanging out, (one too many latke's eh darlin?) and goodbye to being paid to be a bitchy body-fascist queen (I just won't get paid for it now). Ew.....when did I become a grownup?
However, momma's growing, learning a few things, I'm not getting a few more wrinkles so y'all can shut that noise right quick.... quick tip from me to you, Asians don't wrinkle. We look like Connie Chung until we hit about 70ish and then we go Mr. Miyagi and look wizened, not wrinkled.
Unfortunately they didn't offer me enough money, the hours would be more than a hassle to get to and from on my way from el job de sucktown, and the new digs, not to mention the fact that it would pretty much be a total end to any type of social life that I have... even though I was the ONLY lady on Sunday brunch that went home by themselves saturday night ...whatever...I'm not bitter. So as much as it would stroke my ego to be hired based on someone's subjective view that I fit the "overpriced retail locations" look, I had to say no maam.... no maam indeed.
So I bid a fond farewell to "overpriced retail location", even though you had a sweet discount, offered me free clothes as a new employee, and would be in the perfect location for me to meet my rich first husband, I must say goodbye.... goodbye to the other staff whom I haven't met that are overdone and underfed, goodbye to the customers who think that just because their daddy gave them a humvee for channukah that means they can wear a baby T with their gut hanging out, (one too many latke's eh darlin?) and goodbye to being paid to be a bitchy body-fascist queen (I just won't get paid for it now). Ew.....when did I become a grownup?
Monday, March 27, 2006
I think I may be dead.
I will update everyone at a time when my body doesn't feel like it's been the recipient of a hate crime, the perpitrator??? cheap booze and lots of it. However I may or may not have done the following this weekend,
Gone to the Rhino in georgetown followed by JR's in the gayborhood.... yeah that was a smart choice....
Started Saturday off with Cory and some cheap booze followed by sushi, more booze, and then JR's for a Homo-blog fest of drunkeness wherein I may have threatened someone's life by saying, "If you efff with my friend I will end you..... no I'm serious, I will cut you." (ps in the immortal words of Chip "Dale, a barstool could take you.")
I'm pretty sure that the night was a success.... not sure.
Spent Sunday pretty much soaked in booze from a 3-4 hour brunch with unlimited bloody marys and screwdrivers and mimosas to long island ice teas to yet a third bar where I may or may not have made out with a guy that took me on one date and whom I never called back.... and there was a reason..... he's kinda busted..... damnit. (PS All of these ladies are hateful hateful b*tches for getting me that loaded and I hope all their nipples fall off)
Gone to the Rhino in georgetown followed by JR's in the gayborhood.... yeah that was a smart choice....
Started Saturday off with Cory and some cheap booze followed by sushi, more booze, and then JR's for a Homo-blog fest of drunkeness wherein I may have threatened someone's life by saying, "If you efff with my friend I will end you..... no I'm serious, I will cut you." (ps in the immortal words of Chip "Dale, a barstool could take you.")
I'm pretty sure that the night was a success.... not sure.
Spent Sunday pretty much soaked in booze from a 3-4 hour brunch with unlimited bloody marys and screwdrivers and mimosas to long island ice teas to yet a third bar where I may or may not have made out with a guy that took me on one date and whom I never called back.... and there was a reason..... he's kinda busted..... damnit. (PS All of these ladies are hateful hateful b*tches for getting me that loaded and I hope all their nipples fall off)
Friday, March 24, 2006
My disco balls are bigger than yours!
Allright So Friday Five.... zenith of homo-losity five reasons why I'm more fabulous than a disco ball on pride....
1). Yours truly has just taken the plunge back into the second job field (I get bored too easily and I figure if I'm going to be all antzy pantzy I may as well be productive and get paid right??) so I'm going to one place where gay men will always reign supreme, distributing sass and judgement from on high..... yes everyone... you guessed it..... high end retail. After a quick interview where conversations that a mo wouldn't expect as unusual but might take the ro's back a little including:
Mister Sister: you know at (super preppy snotty location) were looking for a certain "look," and we only offer people positions that we feel capture that "look."
Translation: We don't hire any fatties or uglies.
Mister Sister: How you carry yourself is very important at (super preppy snotty location), we only offer people positions that look like they stepped out of our magazines.
Translation: Don't try and pull any of that straight boy, just got out of bed look here sister, we want your hair did and your clothes sharp, your sass ready and your cheekbones high and pointy
Is it wrong that I'm primarily doing this for the discount???? I didn't think so either.
2). Operation Decorator Storm: Now I have, for the first time, the opportunity to decorate my living space from top to bottom in whatever manner I see fit which is a daunting task. However thankfully I have vast resources of opinion and experience in home decor from friends that are interior designers, artists, photographers.... and just plain have more glitter in them than a elementary school art class.
3). Because I'm me and you're not.
4). Because I had this conversation with annoying co-worker yesterday before leaving for the interview at (super preppy snotty location)
ACW: We should totally hang out in DC sometime, one of my roommates wants to meet you, I keep telling her how fabulous you are.
Dale: Riiiight, I didn't think that straight people used the term fabulous anymore. (this is where I break out the mo tude) Anyways I'm pretty busy for the next couple of months, I like to plan in advance.
ACW: Oh well we don't go into DC that much anyways (She lives not only in the dirty Vag but by Dulles *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK*) when's the next time you're going to be free on a weekend?
Dale: September.
5). This morning I had a conversation with This Lady, and I was reminded that in elementary school I had all things Keroppi and Badtz Maru. I'm talking pencils, pencil box, folders, erasers, pencil sharpeners.... the whole nine.... I was the gayest , asianest elementary student in life.... IN LIFE!!!!!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Tis the season.....
So now that Spring is upon us like a fat girl on a buffet, it is now that time of the season when the seasonal resolutions are made. I'm no dummy, I realize that most of the resolutions I make don't make it more than a season but it's a nice little pat on the back doing something to better yourself kind of situation. Therefore I will be making my resolutions thusly:
1). Be able to pace myself at the local watering holes. Unfortunately the last couple of times I've hung out with this lady, I've had to excuse myself in the midst of the merriment because the little light in my head goes on that says "if you wait around here any longer and have that next drink you are either going to wake up in someone's house whose name you don't know or you will wake up in your own bed with my face covered in the wrappers of snickers fun size." p.s. the first hasn't happened in years and the second hasn't happened in....weeks?
2). I guess be healthier? Eat better, drink better (more ketel one and less smirnoff), and workout more I guess....
3). Start organizing for what I call the "let my people go" move from the quadrant that DC forgot to a place where there's..... stuff.... and things..... countdown has begun!!!!!
1). Be able to pace myself at the local watering holes. Unfortunately the last couple of times I've hung out with this lady, I've had to excuse myself in the midst of the merriment because the little light in my head goes on that says "if you wait around here any longer and have that next drink you are either going to wake up in someone's house whose name you don't know or you will wake up in your own bed with my face covered in the wrappers of snickers fun size." p.s. the first hasn't happened in years and the second hasn't happened in....weeks?
2). I guess be healthier? Eat better, drink better (more ketel one and less smirnoff), and workout more I guess....
3). Start organizing for what I call the "let my people go" move from the quadrant that DC forgot to a place where there's..... stuff.... and things..... countdown has begun!!!!!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Dear sir......
I've decided once again to keep up with my correspondence through blog.....
Dear Mom,
If you insist on having non-serious surgery and are in bed for the better part of three weeks please do not take your pain medicine which I'm pretty sure you chased with a merlot and then proceed to call me, call me by my sisters name, and then ask me why I haven't settled down with the right man and popped out a little adopted asian child because you aren't getting any younger. Or at the very least lets play sharesies with the percoset and the merlot!
Dear Annoying Co-worker,
I will give you points for not pinching me last Friday, however I have decided under Dales version of Sharia that you must be destroyed, one repressed emotion at a time. I will constantly bring up your insecurity about your boyfriends inability to commit (I'm sorry 3 years and no shared living space or ring? yeah I'm sorry that's a no go), your opinion that Target is a boutique location for buying footwear, and that your idea of a fun friday night is going to the local bennigans and then watching Dr. Quinn Medicine woman or something equally as banal. It's a shame for you we are close in the cube farm because I'm about to become your therapists best friend.
Dear Suprise Visitor's to the G-Spot,
I think it's great that we graduated from college together. I haven't talked to you in months and honestly have more important things to do (like coming up with fun names for my new condo, any and all suggestions are welcome) and poring through my cookbooks with the fun pictures. Your dropping by and announcing you'd be sleeping over at 11 at night isn't a fun birthday kind of suprise, it's more of a..... hey johnny I'm 16 and pregnant, guess I should have agreed to do anal when you asked me to kind of suprise.
Dear Natalie Portman,
I love you, not only for your fantastic bone structure and ability to wear kabuki makeup and a headdress that would make cher jealous, but of your ability to be a hardcore bizznatch and make this video for SNL. P.S. also thanks to Chip for sending me this video.
Dear Self,
Please stop having dorky conversations that make you sound like a pocket protector wearing, coke bottle glasses having weirdo. Conversation last night with Chip went something like.....
Dale: What sounds better, "Containment vectors of Bacillus anthracis," "Cancer modeling and treatment using non-linear mathematics," or "Rising Global Temperatures and its effects on vectors of disease transmission."
Chip: First of all, what the hell is a vector and I'm not even going to attempt non-linear mathematics
Dale: Vectors are like pathways, and non-linear mathematics is like chaos theory
Chip: Chaos what?
Dale: Fractals?
Chip: I have never seen that word in life
Dale: I'm such a dork, I have to go now and contact the chess/ AV club......
p.s. can we review how I can have almost no common sense, and say things like "Live in love, is that like live in maid?" and still not do simple algebra but can explain non-linear math theory? I'm so asian right now.
Dear Mom,
If you insist on having non-serious surgery and are in bed for the better part of three weeks please do not take your pain medicine which I'm pretty sure you chased with a merlot and then proceed to call me, call me by my sisters name, and then ask me why I haven't settled down with the right man and popped out a little adopted asian child because you aren't getting any younger. Or at the very least lets play sharesies with the percoset and the merlot!
Dear Annoying Co-worker,
I will give you points for not pinching me last Friday, however I have decided under Dales version of Sharia that you must be destroyed, one repressed emotion at a time. I will constantly bring up your insecurity about your boyfriends inability to commit (I'm sorry 3 years and no shared living space or ring? yeah I'm sorry that's a no go), your opinion that Target is a boutique location for buying footwear, and that your idea of a fun friday night is going to the local bennigans and then watching Dr. Quinn Medicine woman or something equally as banal. It's a shame for you we are close in the cube farm because I'm about to become your therapists best friend.
Dear Suprise Visitor's to the G-Spot,
I think it's great that we graduated from college together. I haven't talked to you in months and honestly have more important things to do (like coming up with fun names for my new condo, any and all suggestions are welcome) and poring through my cookbooks with the fun pictures. Your dropping by and announcing you'd be sleeping over at 11 at night isn't a fun birthday kind of suprise, it's more of a..... hey johnny I'm 16 and pregnant, guess I should have agreed to do anal when you asked me to kind of suprise.
Dear Natalie Portman,
I love you, not only for your fantastic bone structure and ability to wear kabuki makeup and a headdress that would make cher jealous, but of your ability to be a hardcore bizznatch and make this video for SNL. P.S. also thanks to Chip for sending me this video.
Dear Self,
Please stop having dorky conversations that make you sound like a pocket protector wearing, coke bottle glasses having weirdo. Conversation last night with Chip went something like.....
Dale: What sounds better, "Containment vectors of Bacillus anthracis," "Cancer modeling and treatment using non-linear mathematics," or "Rising Global Temperatures and its effects on vectors of disease transmission."
Chip: First of all, what the hell is a vector and I'm not even going to attempt non-linear mathematics
Dale: Vectors are like pathways, and non-linear mathematics is like chaos theory
Chip: Chaos what?
Dale: Fractals?
Chip: I have never seen that word in life
Dale: I'm such a dork, I have to go now and contact the chess/ AV club......
p.s. can we review how I can have almost no common sense, and say things like "Live in love, is that like live in maid?" and still not do simple algebra but can explain non-linear math theory? I'm so asian right now.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Weekend Roundup.... remember the time I stayed in? me either
Ok so the PLAN was to have a low-key relaxing weekend after el week de hell of a thousand tortures. But as we all know the best laid plans of mice and dale....
Friday.... after getting out of work at 1 I was GOING to have a leisurely meeting with a baker in georgetown to discuss my parents anniversary cake I'm having made for them. However that kinda sorta happened. First I decided to meet some friends who had taken the day off at Rhino to do Car bombs.... good idea. Then, half in the bag I went to the bakery thing where I actually played Sober Sally pretty well and whipped out the gay bitchy face and laid down the law.... one hour later I have a three tiered vanilla cake with strawberry buttercream filling covered in white fondant with cala lilies made of marzipan cascading down the side, real lilies surrounding the base and apricots made of marzipan staggered around all three layers for a bit of color.... it's not like I have control issues or anything.
Friday night I was GOING to stay in and chillax. However I ended up as the +1 for a friend who had an event at the Embassy of Kuwait to go to for some womens group. I was looking for a free meal and cocktails so I spiffed up and off I went. After being photographed for DC style and some random VAG magazine myself and my friend realize that the Islamic Kingdom of Kuwait doesn't serve alcohol... I was mortified, not only was it St. Patty's day, it was friday, it was after 7, and my buzz from earlier was wearing off faster than K-mart brand lipstick. However I made up for lost time at a friends party after and some AdMo bars. Who woke up saturday morning in between two girls in a triple spoon? I did!!!
Saturday night... was GOING to chill out but Lauriol and Front page took care of that one with quick work......
Sunday... was GOING to relax and sleep but got talked into going to JR's and then to the fastest bartender in DC competition...... sweet jesus.
Betty Ford week is in full effect...we'll see how long that lasts.
Friday.... after getting out of work at 1 I was GOING to have a leisurely meeting with a baker in georgetown to discuss my parents anniversary cake I'm having made for them. However that kinda sorta happened. First I decided to meet some friends who had taken the day off at Rhino to do Car bombs.... good idea. Then, half in the bag I went to the bakery thing where I actually played Sober Sally pretty well and whipped out the gay bitchy face and laid down the law.... one hour later I have a three tiered vanilla cake with strawberry buttercream filling covered in white fondant with cala lilies made of marzipan cascading down the side, real lilies surrounding the base and apricots made of marzipan staggered around all three layers for a bit of color.... it's not like I have control issues or anything.
Friday night I was GOING to stay in and chillax. However I ended up as the +1 for a friend who had an event at the Embassy of Kuwait to go to for some womens group. I was looking for a free meal and cocktails so I spiffed up and off I went. After being photographed for DC style and some random VAG magazine myself and my friend realize that the Islamic Kingdom of Kuwait doesn't serve alcohol... I was mortified, not only was it St. Patty's day, it was friday, it was after 7, and my buzz from earlier was wearing off faster than K-mart brand lipstick. However I made up for lost time at a friends party after and some AdMo bars. Who woke up saturday morning in between two girls in a triple spoon? I did!!!
Saturday night... was GOING to chill out but Lauriol and Front page took care of that one with quick work......
Sunday... was GOING to relax and sleep but got talked into going to JR's and then to the fastest bartender in DC competition...... sweet jesus.
Betty Ford week is in full effect...we'll see how long that lasts.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Friday Five.... don't let the man get you down!!!
It's Friday, it's quarter to seven... I'm at my computer at work.... dull knife, meet my eyeball... hello eyeball! hello knife!! That being taken care of, this week has been FULL of 18 hour days, stalking hot doctors that may or may not be in love with me (gonna hedge on the not side) signing papers... yes yours truly has finally taken the plunge and bought real estate... you may now call me "the dale" and generally trying not to let the man get me down. However I'd like to share five quotes/observations that is indicative of the type of week I've had.
1). "I'm a slut for AIDS"..... a participant in one of the meetings I went to said this and the entire room went silent... buzzkill anyone?? and who said that those in the medical research community weren't socially apt?
2). Hot doctor who I will refer to as silver fox was wearing a turtleneck/suit combination. Now I'm sorry is this the seventies? are you Anchorman Ron Burgundy? no I didn't think so. However I'd probably still do dirty things to him. It's the spring time, it's totally not my fault.
3). White belt and white shoes... I don't care if the emily post rule is outdated and archaic... You. will. not. wear. white before memorial day. It's tacky and so are you.
4). Having a weeklong conference/meeting thing in the same place where you had your HS prom is just about the coolest thing ever in life. Thoughts like "hmmm I danced the N'Sync bye bye bye dance over by where the podium was"... .or "ooh I wouldn't use THAT bathroom, I think XXX got a YYYYY from ZZZZ there" keep running through my head.
5). Bitchiness is in full effect. Annoying co-worker is being uber super annoying and thinking that she's my boss which she definitely isn't. So after being blunt, being up front, I'm down to being mean.
Co-Worker: You better wear green tomorrow or I'm going to pinch you
Me: No you won't, I don't like being touched and that's inappropriate.
Co-worker: Ha ha ha, it's St. Patricks day everybody likes to get pinched.
Me: Well, maybe if your boyfriend of three years whom you STILL don't have a key to his place would pinch YOU more often maybe you wouldn't feel the need to pinch me.
*If she pinches me today I'm going to psychologically destroy her and make her cry. it's my god given right as a homosexual.*
HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY EVERYONE!!!
1). "I'm a slut for AIDS"..... a participant in one of the meetings I went to said this and the entire room went silent... buzzkill anyone?? and who said that those in the medical research community weren't socially apt?
2). Hot doctor who I will refer to as silver fox was wearing a turtleneck/suit combination. Now I'm sorry is this the seventies? are you Anchorman Ron Burgundy? no I didn't think so. However I'd probably still do dirty things to him. It's the spring time, it's totally not my fault.
3). White belt and white shoes... I don't care if the emily post rule is outdated and archaic... You. will. not. wear. white before memorial day. It's tacky and so are you.
4). Having a weeklong conference/meeting thing in the same place where you had your HS prom is just about the coolest thing ever in life. Thoughts like "hmmm I danced the N'Sync bye bye bye dance over by where the podium was"... .or "ooh I wouldn't use THAT bathroom, I think XXX got a YYYYY from ZZZZ there" keep running through my head.
5). Bitchiness is in full effect. Annoying co-worker is being uber super annoying and thinking that she's my boss which she definitely isn't. So after being blunt, being up front, I'm down to being mean.
Co-Worker: You better wear green tomorrow or I'm going to pinch you
Me: No you won't, I don't like being touched and that's inappropriate.
Co-worker: Ha ha ha, it's St. Patricks day everybody likes to get pinched.
Me: Well, maybe if your boyfriend of three years whom you STILL don't have a key to his place would pinch YOU more often maybe you wouldn't feel the need to pinch me.
*If she pinches me today I'm going to psychologically destroy her and make her cry. it's my god given right as a homosexual.*
HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY EVERYONE!!!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Weekend Roundup...... but what is this?? I mean but what IS this?
So last week.... not too much fun, this week.... been warned about 20 hour days, heightened tensions, and bad coffee..... so needless to say I'm excited. Fortunately or Unfortunately I won't be able to post until probably next week so hopefully This Lady can hold our torch up high so our flame burns bright!!
However, in preparation for the week de crap I had myself a grand ole time this weekend. Friday night after getting home and changing into my cute clothes I went over to Taylor's place where I may or may not have started my drinky poo off with a commemorative plastic football cup full of the Cape Codder, which was after I sweet talked the lady at the local liquor store to give me a bag of free ice.... what can I say, I'm adorable and apparently inspire people to give me free ice.
Anyways then All These Wonderful Ladies came over and we really got the party started complete with a drunken photo shoot and a stumbling mess over to Juniors. After getting there certain members of our party were a little tipsy and I don't mention names as that's not my way but HA HA HA HAH AHA somebody fell off a bar stool......
The rest of the night is a blur of drunkeness, I think the plan was to meet people at cobalt and we did make it at some point but the memories of cobalt aren't very detailed..... and at some point McDonalds which honestly makes me want to retch, I think I ate 2 pieces of the chicken nugget meal I bought and just contented myself to drink the overly syrupy sprite.
Saturday night myself, Chip, and two of our friends stayed at my parents house as I was dog-sitting and we were settling down for a suburban night o' fun. We played knockout and not going to lie.... I dominated.... just sayin. Watched This Movie, and gorged ourselves silly on This Glorious Food Item, and passed out... only to wake up Sunday morning and cook a full brunchy thing complete with mimosas and blueberry pancakes..
So see y'all in a week!!! and if there's anything on the news about somebody going postal and going crazy at some meeting... yeah that'd be me....
ps. I may or may not have taken the first steps toward home ownership.... more details to follow.
However, in preparation for the week de crap I had myself a grand ole time this weekend. Friday night after getting home and changing into my cute clothes I went over to Taylor's place where I may or may not have started my drinky poo off with a commemorative plastic football cup full of the Cape Codder, which was after I sweet talked the lady at the local liquor store to give me a bag of free ice.... what can I say, I'm adorable and apparently inspire people to give me free ice.
Anyways then All These Wonderful Ladies came over and we really got the party started complete with a drunken photo shoot and a stumbling mess over to Juniors. After getting there certain members of our party were a little tipsy and I don't mention names as that's not my way but HA HA HA HAH AHA somebody fell off a bar stool......
The rest of the night is a blur of drunkeness, I think the plan was to meet people at cobalt and we did make it at some point but the memories of cobalt aren't very detailed..... and at some point McDonalds which honestly makes me want to retch, I think I ate 2 pieces of the chicken nugget meal I bought and just contented myself to drink the overly syrupy sprite.
Saturday night myself, Chip, and two of our friends stayed at my parents house as I was dog-sitting and we were settling down for a suburban night o' fun. We played knockout and not going to lie.... I dominated.... just sayin. Watched This Movie, and gorged ourselves silly on This Glorious Food Item, and passed out... only to wake up Sunday morning and cook a full brunchy thing complete with mimosas and blueberry pancakes..
So see y'all in a week!!! and if there's anything on the news about somebody going postal and going crazy at some meeting... yeah that'd be me....
ps. I may or may not have taken the first steps toward home ownership.... more details to follow.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Spring is in the air!!!
Woo hoo were finally getting a little spring weather action going on!!! nothing better to start off the weekend than driving to work with the windows down and listening to a little fallout boy at full blast!!! Especially when the cherry on the sundae included watching very nice looking gentleman run in tiiiinnnyy little shorts along the memorial bridge...mmmmm. After all spring is in the air and everyone knows what that means....
1). The gym will be filled to capancity from now, the first consecutive days of warm weather, till about easter when all the queens that were going to start their swimsuit diets/workout routines say eff it and gorge on easter food. Which will be again reinstated at the first weekend of beach worthy weather.
2). Outdoor seating at two of my favorite watering holes, Lauriol and Fox&Hound will soon open and my judgement of society at large can once again stretch beyond the confines of a bar while I sip my delectable cocktail or margarita and judge behind my sunglasses, sassy as I wanna be.
3). The Runway, known as 17th st. between JR's and Cobalt will once again be in full effect, my favorite time of year when the little fetus's who think they have what it takes to work the runway try in their A/X t shirts and express womens jeans and mary kate sunglasses...... and then trip when the uneven sidewalk catches up with their prada knockoffs.
4). Gay Fashion will once again cycle back to Swimwear and resort wear from Scarf and sweater wear.... quick recap, speedo if you've got the body, jams if you're unsure, burqua if you scare small children. I myself will be combo speedo under these shorts for the walk to the beach.
5). and as button downs become less buttoned, pants give way to shorts, and bodies become more exposed I think that the depilatory cream, razors, and wax at the CVS is going to be in higher demand.... more on that later.
1). The gym will be filled to capancity from now, the first consecutive days of warm weather, till about easter when all the queens that were going to start their swimsuit diets/workout routines say eff it and gorge on easter food. Which will be again reinstated at the first weekend of beach worthy weather.
2). Outdoor seating at two of my favorite watering holes, Lauriol and Fox&Hound will soon open and my judgement of society at large can once again stretch beyond the confines of a bar while I sip my delectable cocktail or margarita and judge behind my sunglasses, sassy as I wanna be.
3). The Runway, known as 17th st. between JR's and Cobalt will once again be in full effect, my favorite time of year when the little fetus's who think they have what it takes to work the runway try in their A/X t shirts and express womens jeans and mary kate sunglasses...... and then trip when the uneven sidewalk catches up with their prada knockoffs.
4). Gay Fashion will once again cycle back to Swimwear and resort wear from Scarf and sweater wear.... quick recap, speedo if you've got the body, jams if you're unsure, burqua if you scare small children. I myself will be combo speedo under these shorts for the walk to the beach.
5). and as button downs become less buttoned, pants give way to shorts, and bodies become more exposed I think that the depilatory cream, razors, and wax at the CVS is going to be in higher demand.... more on that later.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Take a bow..... the Night is over....
So, the Strip clubs, Drag shows, and places where gay men go to have sex that doesn't include the bathrooms at JR's, Cobalt, or Sadlands are being forced to close to make way for the new stadium that's being built close to where I currently live (moving in may, make a note on your calendars, I will be registered at the pottery barn for housewarming....)
Anyways, the changing of the dynamic makes one get a little sentimental. Hell, I would have shed a tear had the botox not alleviated me of the ability to cry, or show much of any emotion at all. The gin takes care of the rest. It reminds me of the first time I was taken to such a strip club.
So the first time I went to a male strip club I was 19, home from college and dating at that time a guy whom I thought was awesome.... lived with his parents (strike one), in Virginia (Strike two), and went to GMU (strike three).
Anyways being brought up in an ummm....sheltered existence, I had never entertained the thought of going to such a place and didn't know what to do. So White Trash Boyfriend (WTB) informed me that on a friday night he would be taking me. I had to prepare. So I went home (I was home from college for the holidays) picked out what I would be wearing.... which turned out to be a pair of slacks and a sweater from banana republic... I had the impression that this would be a swanky joint???? and then went to the bank and took out 30 dollars all in ones. After all, I'd been to the movies, I know what's going on right?
So Friday rolls around and WTB takes me to Wet, a cornerstone of the gay stripping in DC where there's an open shower in the middle where the strippers shower and they only wear socks so you have somewhere to put the dollar bills. He takes me and with eyes wide as a 6 foot tall half asian can muster, I walked proudly on in. It wasn't like the movies............
We walk up to the bar and sit down... I only sit after putting a napkin on the bar stool. I look up and porn is blaring down at me and it's not the kissy face I love you porn, it's more of a.. "Hi here's my arm elbow deep in you" kind of porn, so I did what any proper young gentleman would do, I covered my eyes with both hands and ordered a vodka tonic which the bartender kindly gave me.
At this point the manager/owner of said establishment came over to me and my then bf, introduced himself and commented that he'd never seen me there before... I was thinking, umm DUH!!! but gave him a little french smile and introduced myself. Then the bomb dropped, the manager asked if I'd ever thought about getting on stage and dancing (I'm guessing their asian quota was low) and in retrospect I probably should have been flattered rather than horrified. I quickly averted my eyes, smiled, and said something about being in school out of town and thank you for the offer, while in my head I was screaming "WHAT THE HELL ABOUT ME SAYS STRIPPER???" (ps this was before I actually did get paid to be a go go dancer but that is neither here nor there) . Yeah he didn't get the hint till WTB had to shoo him away, at least he was good for something.
I still had $30 in ones burning a hole in my pocket so WTB grabbed my arm and took me up to one of the strippers platforms and told me to put money in his sock. Now I'm a very proud person, and I'd like to think I have good manners, so I took a moment and thought, now what's the most dignified way to do this??hmmmmmmm. So obviously I made the stripper crouch down (ps if there is one position where no man looks good naked performing, it's crouching) and I made him tell me his name, where he was from and how his day was going.... ps WTB is now sh*tting himself he's so embarassed by my breach of protocol and has left me to go back to the bar. Turns out the strippers name was Chad, he was from Colorado, and he'd come to DC to go to school and stripping afforded him somewhat tax free income, can't argue with that. So after about 4 or 5 minutes he informed me that the manager wouldn't like him talking with customers so he asked me if I wanted to meet him later for coffee or have dinner sometime.... ever been asked out by a naked man?? yeah. I declined as I was attached but appreciated the offer, again in retrospect I probably should have ditched WTB for the stripper, after all, at least the stripper was at GW.
And so the night came to a close, I bid Chad, the Manager, the Bartender and the other patrons of Wet adieu. I left, dignity intact, secure in the knoweledge that I would not be making regular appearances. Au revoir gay strip clubs/drag shows/ sketchy gay sex clubs, your sketchiness gave the rest of us that much more Klass...
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
DC gays of our life moments....
In honor of hump day I thought I'd share some DC gays of our life moments brought to you by Dale and the letter Q.
As I was getting my hair did yesterday along with other maintenance that remains between me and my stylist and my aesthetician, I had finished up and was taking care of the bill when a gentleman who was definitely of the ro-sexual variety came up and said "I'm here for my eyebrow appointment," and then realized that I was standing behind him....judging... as I do... and wouldn't you know it he got all flustered, whipped out his blackberry and tried to be all technological and masculine.... what was going through my head? "Whatever Mary, be proud that you're taking responsibility for that caterpillar that's crawling across your forehead."
So I had to call several bakeries to get appointments to discuss cakes for an event I'm planning for my parents anniversary, and getting a modified wedding cake in DC isn't as easy as I thought. ANYWAYS, I had not one, but two bakers ask me if this was for a wedding or comittment ceremony.... ahhh the political correctness of DC. I kinda wanted to say it was for a midget inter-racial bi-sexual polyamorous union that will be handicapped accessible, but I held my tongue... and if you've ever met me that's a feat in and of itself.
As I was getting my hair did yesterday along with other maintenance that remains between me and my stylist and my aesthetician, I had finished up and was taking care of the bill when a gentleman who was definitely of the ro-sexual variety came up and said "I'm here for my eyebrow appointment," and then realized that I was standing behind him....judging... as I do... and wouldn't you know it he got all flustered, whipped out his blackberry and tried to be all technological and masculine.... what was going through my head? "Whatever Mary, be proud that you're taking responsibility for that caterpillar that's crawling across your forehead."
So I had to call several bakeries to get appointments to discuss cakes for an event I'm planning for my parents anniversary, and getting a modified wedding cake in DC isn't as easy as I thought. ANYWAYS, I had not one, but two bakers ask me if this was for a wedding or comittment ceremony.... ahhh the political correctness of DC. I kinda wanted to say it was for a midget inter-racial bi-sexual polyamorous union that will be handicapped accessible, but I held my tongue... and if you've ever met me that's a feat in and of itself.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Weekend Recap...
Ok so I wasn't really in a place to blog yesterday as I was recovering from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I spent the entire day communing with my inner uppity white woman.... (Currently I have an inner uppity white woman, a strong black woman, and a demure asian woman) by watching Diana: Her True Story and Too Rich:The story of Doris Duke. And let me just say that Lauren Bacall can do no wrong.
Quick Recap:
Friday night, hung out with Cornelius, Taylor, and Senor Chris for a quick second, and then decided to go home and on the way stop at Juniors where I may or may not have flirted with a man who may or may not be old enough to have taught my parents in school.... why does that always happen to me. damn.
Saturday, actually had a productive day, and then had to go pick up the celly which I left at Taylor's humble abode and then made the executive decision that margaritas were a good idea. One pitcher each later and I'm heading over to Chip's apt. at the corner of disco and glitter and we had some Fresh Prince/ Will and Grace loving. From there we went out to meet two of our friends who have recently got engaged and there was much fluttering of hands and me getting teary as I'm a sucker for that crap. That night ended at 4 in the morning after bars, and myself, Chip, The two engageees, and their friend who had recently come out at an all night diner stuffing food at our faces like it was going out of style. Klass, pure Klass.
Sunday.... chilled out for most of the day and then myself and Chip were invited to an Oscars party at Mrs. Jesus apt. and we were requested to dress up as a movie that was nominated. Did we go brokeback? B*tch please, do I LOOK like a cowboy? oh no, This lady went as Geisha. Do I own the appropriate attire? you betcha. Was it fabulous?? of course. The rest of the evening was definitely fun if not a weee bit fuzzy.
Oh well.... that's why god created sick days right?
UPDATE: A Lesbian is crowned Homecoming King in Maryland.... if that's not proof positive that MD is the greatest state... I just don't know what.
Quick Recap:
Friday night, hung out with Cornelius, Taylor, and Senor Chris for a quick second, and then decided to go home and on the way stop at Juniors where I may or may not have flirted with a man who may or may not be old enough to have taught my parents in school.... why does that always happen to me. damn.
Saturday, actually had a productive day, and then had to go pick up the celly which I left at Taylor's humble abode and then made the executive decision that margaritas were a good idea. One pitcher each later and I'm heading over to Chip's apt. at the corner of disco and glitter and we had some Fresh Prince/ Will and Grace loving. From there we went out to meet two of our friends who have recently got engaged and there was much fluttering of hands and me getting teary as I'm a sucker for that crap. That night ended at 4 in the morning after bars, and myself, Chip, The two engageees, and their friend who had recently come out at an all night diner stuffing food at our faces like it was going out of style. Klass, pure Klass.
Sunday.... chilled out for most of the day and then myself and Chip were invited to an Oscars party at Mrs. Jesus apt. and we were requested to dress up as a movie that was nominated. Did we go brokeback? B*tch please, do I LOOK like a cowboy? oh no, This lady went as Geisha. Do I own the appropriate attire? you betcha. Was it fabulous?? of course. The rest of the evening was definitely fun if not a weee bit fuzzy.
Oh well.... that's why god created sick days right?
UPDATE: A Lesbian is crowned Homecoming King in Maryland.... if that's not proof positive that MD is the greatest state... I just don't know what.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Friday Five.... still Alive
This week has been hell-on-earth. It's one of those, "juggling a million balls in the air and if one falls everything goes straight to sh*t" kinda weeks. Effing sweet, also two more people at work quit so I'm dealing with their sh*tstorm... needless to say my back and shoulders are one big knot. Also this is the week that I decided to for real buck the demon nicotine, and make some very important decisions regarding my future (more to come when things are a bit more concrete). However, I refuse to start any weekend off on a sour note as one of my mantra's and one of my edicts that will be covered in my finishing school on proper social interaction is: "smile, it increases your face value" Therefore, there have been things this week that have made me happy in my feelings place.
1). Being made a fantastic meal last night and stuffing my face full of home made pasta sauces and cheeses and red wine and homemade desert that made me smile on my walk back to my habitation area last night while listening to All-American Rejects and Fallout Boy. And then ending the evening by eating an entire box of Thin Mints and watching This Movie (which watching by myself might be considered sad but whatever I'm over it)
2). Having my friends let me vent to them without responding and without judging. I know that they're all leading busy, fantastic, fabulous lives but it probably means the most when they take even 5 minutes to say "how're things lady?.. I know you're under a lot of stress and wondered if you wanted to unload for a bit... sure I'll listen to you b*tch for a while." Honestly I don't know what I'd do without them. Probably multiple homicide at this point.... probably.
3). Seeing the marines on their morning run by my house on my drive into work in the mornings... I'm sorry there's nothing about that that shouldn't make you happy in your feelings place, among other places.
4). My co-worker, with whom I now share a cube farm type of situation has been watching me take a torrential downpour of sh*t and misplaced rage (rapid turnover plus crazy boss plus I'm the only one that knows how to do a lot of things equals crazy boss getting mucho crazy up in my grill when none of it has anything to do with me) and because she wanted to make my day a little better suprised me this morning with This Book which I've tried to find at several bookstores and have been unsuccessful. I realize that me being excited over such a book makes me a middle america soccer mom but I respect the power of the casserole, and you should too.
5). The prospect of a fun Friday night, productive saturday, and crazy sunday!!!
1). Being made a fantastic meal last night and stuffing my face full of home made pasta sauces and cheeses and red wine and homemade desert that made me smile on my walk back to my habitation area last night while listening to All-American Rejects and Fallout Boy. And then ending the evening by eating an entire box of Thin Mints and watching This Movie (which watching by myself might be considered sad but whatever I'm over it)
2). Having my friends let me vent to them without responding and without judging. I know that they're all leading busy, fantastic, fabulous lives but it probably means the most when they take even 5 minutes to say "how're things lady?.. I know you're under a lot of stress and wondered if you wanted to unload for a bit... sure I'll listen to you b*tch for a while." Honestly I don't know what I'd do without them. Probably multiple homicide at this point.... probably.
3). Seeing the marines on their morning run by my house on my drive into work in the mornings... I'm sorry there's nothing about that that shouldn't make you happy in your feelings place, among other places.
4). My co-worker, with whom I now share a cube farm type of situation has been watching me take a torrential downpour of sh*t and misplaced rage (rapid turnover plus crazy boss plus I'm the only one that knows how to do a lot of things equals crazy boss getting mucho crazy up in my grill when none of it has anything to do with me) and because she wanted to make my day a little better suprised me this morning with This Book which I've tried to find at several bookstores and have been unsuccessful. I realize that me being excited over such a book makes me a middle america soccer mom but I respect the power of the casserole, and you should too.
5). The prospect of a fun Friday night, productive saturday, and crazy sunday!!!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Thursday Haiku Style
I'm having a Gaysian moment and once again I will emote through Haiku.... deal with it.
Ugly man at gym
You have snowball chance in Hell
Stop watching me stretch
You have snowball chance in Hell
Stop watching me stretch
Disney movie time
Only better with red wine
Mulan is the beast
Only better with red wine
Mulan is the beast
Die Horrible week
You Eff'd me like the prom queen
I hope you catch crabs
Cute guy at the gym
Can't tell if you check me out
I should wear contacts
Can't tell if you check me out
I should wear contacts
Spring is in the air
Mud season is upon us
Wait to buy new shoes
Girl Scout cookies rock
Thin mints I buy 8 boxes
You must contain crack
P.S- Guess who saw pictures of a coworker at This Establishment in the local gay rag today???? ooooooohhhh I GOT YOU B*TCH, I GOT YOU ON CANDID CAMERA!!!! (I have to give credit to all these fabulous ladies for that choice phrase)
Mud season is upon us
Wait to buy new shoes
Girl Scout cookies rock
Thin mints I buy 8 boxes
You must contain crack
P.S- Guess who saw pictures of a coworker at This Establishment in the local gay rag today???? ooooooohhhh I GOT YOU B*TCH, I GOT YOU ON CANDID CAMERA!!!! (I have to give credit to all these fabulous ladies for that choice phrase)
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I'm sorry.... out of the blue? what?
Ok first of all... about the DCPD that asked me out.... yeah I'm pretty sure he's still in the closet... thoughts???
For whatever reason, in the past year, I've been contacted by more people that I went to HS with than in all four years of my undergraduate career which is to say the least.... odd.
Now let me tell you a little sumthin sum'n about my HS. It was pretty much the gayest HS in life, and will only be eclipsed by Headmistress Dale's Finishing School For the Gay Male.
Members of the Wrestling team? Gay..... shocking I know, a sport where you grab guys in places you can only see with a hand mirror and 2 years of yoga and they turned out gay??? you must be kidding.
Lacrosse team? at least 2 gay guys on the lacrosse team, one of whom got a scholarship to college on his abilities on the field and one whom I saw demonstrating his abilities off the field at a corner of Nation one night.... did I call him out?? oh you bet your booty shorts.
Football team? Well for most of sophomore, junior and part of senior year I was dating the at the time captain who then proceeded to get a scholarship to Penn State and then flunk out and now works at a golf course.
Swim/Diving team? Well at least one of the captains (me) was gay and I definitely know that a couple "experimented".... boys in speedos? bound to happen. just sayin.
However, my original point is that in HS gay was a novelty.. Will and Grace had just come out, and the only other gay people in popular media were whomever was the token gay on real world and that guy on Melrose Place that never had any relationships. P.S. as soon as Will and Grace came out everybody started calling me Karen... I eclipsed Jack I guess and went right for the drunk socialite.... So I'm guessing that I keep getting these "wow haven't seen you since HS we should really hang out etc. etc. fabulous etc. etc. dupont etc. etc." because now Gay is totally the new Metro. Also.... I'm just that fabulous.
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